I Have These Thoughts So Often

I never did

Today I write about all the things I've done

Or rather, the things I didn't do

When I was young, I didn't savor my time

A happy child, no matter what happened

And mom and dad still loved each other

I always had friends because they liked my family

Or maybe it was my house

With a pool and a swing set in the back

When I was young, in bed at night

I never plugged my ears

I heard the things my parents said

The things they yelled, they whispered, they cried

About themselves, each other, about me.

I found out why they were never happy

I found out why I never got the love

I always saw on TV

When i got older, I never talked

I never fought back, or said anything at all

I didn't stand up for myself

My parents never heard me cry, even when they most expected it

Perhaps that's why mom started to wear heels,

And dad bought bigger belts

When I was in middle school,

I never hid the alcohol

I never tried to get rid of the drugs

I never helped myself

My mom kept puffing and my dad kept chugging

All I ever did was cry

Maybe that was why it hurt to cough

When I was a freshman

I never explained the bruises

Or why I was so thin

I never told them why I was really gone for a week

Or that my dad blew our money on drinks and drugs

When I was an adult,

I never told myself the truth

I never said, you deserved better

Everything was my fault

I listened to the voice in my head

When I was an adult I never said it like it was

that my parents beat me as a child

and drank away our money

I never told them why my dad had such big belts

Or why my mom always broke her high heels

I didn't explain the bruises like I should have

Or the marks on my face

I never thought that maybe, just maybe

This wasn't where I was supposed to be

Now I sit here, gasping for breath

This secret finally out

It's been a long while since I've felt a belt

Or seen a high heeled shoe

But I have seen the scars

heard the voices

Felt the pain

I've been a victim

I've played the part

But now I'm telling you

This isn't your fault

You're good enough

You're perfect

And you can get through it

You can say something

You can tell someone the real reason

And if you think its over, just know

This isn't the end

.....................................................................

Guys if you're going through something and you feel like it's your fault, it's not. You deserve better and you should tell someone if somebody is hurting you. This is not just something I say to sound like an inspirational story, this is legit what I think. I do not think it is ok for someone to beat someone else. This could be it's own post. Love to all

G 

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