A Newsie Story

Chapter 34

I have 2 days of life left and at this point I feel relief. I have a feeling that if I lived past the 2 days that Race and Davey would kick me out of the house anyhow. They don't want me here anymore. They don't know who I am anymore. I've broken their hearts over and over again, with almost no thought. 

In Greek mythology there is a god named Epimetheus. He is the god of afterthought and his brother is Prometheus--the god of forethought. I used to be like Prometheus and always thinking ahead. Now, I only think of my ever approaching death and think about my actions after they have already hurt people. 

I have bee sad in points of my life, quite often in my life, and yet nothing has ever compared to the dread in my gut now. At the same time, a lightness has filled me up. I am nothing now. Morris does not love me and was just using me. That means when I die, he won't be heartbroken. Despite everything he did to me, a part of me loved him. I do not want him to be hurting. I am no longer a leader of the newsies, so when I'm gone only some of them will mourn my death. Meaghan can come out as a female to all of them and she will be their new "goil". They will protect her. Race hates me so much that he can't even have me be one of the leaders anymore; that's a good sign. He won't miss me much at all. All three are so handsome that they will find a real woman for them. Davey hates me just as much as Race does. Spot and I had a fight yesterday. 

I've asked the people in my life repeatedly to not change how they ask if someone close to them leaves. They all agree that they can do just that. I know that my time is coming and I've ruined so many lives that I deserve death. 

My uncle will torture me viciously when I go to him. I will go willingly, maybe with a skip in my step. Of course, I am terrified of what is to come. I don't have a death wish and I never have. I've been so close to falling swiftly to sleep forever so many times, that walking straight to it is terrifying. Knowing that I need to die though, makes me feel much better about the whole affair. 

My boys will never know how much I love them. Davey, Race, and Morris will never ever know, especially Davey and Race. They think I chose Morris over them and that I was an idiot for it in the end. I wish they could know about my ultimate sacrifice for them in the end. I want them to know that despite how horrible I've been, it's been because of my doom looming ahead. I acted out of the thought of death ahead. I wanted every opportunity I could lay my hands on.

My life used to be so charmed. Not the life I had when I was rich. Sure, the food was good, but that was the only nice part. I had been raped in that life and beaten so many times I can't count them on my hands. My beloved brother ran away. The best thing that happened to me was when my horrid aunt dropped me off under that bridge. I was rescued by my two best friends in the world and they both fell in love with me. I fell in love with them too: both of them. I could've found out who I truly wanted, eventually. I could have married one of them and had their children. They would've forgiven me on who I had chosen and the other would have moved on.

I think all of these things while laying in an empty bed in an empty room in an empty house. Race and Davey have already left. I know they have. Davey left me a little note on the nightstand that basically just said that they left early. They do not want to see me at all. 

I wish, overall, that I had not hurt them the way I did. The most I regret in life is ruining them so much in the past month. My mind is a constant obituary lately. No newspapers will talk about my life. I am poor now, no longer a rich girl. If I were rich, the town would be painted with face and people would want me found. Now I do not even matter to my fellow poor people. Maybe if George hears he will be an add up for me to be found. Then if they find my body in the river, my corpse will be smiling at the thought of not being with that bastard. 

If I had married George, then Davey would be married to the last girl before me and Race would've found someone eventually. I could have prevented their misery. I probably would still be dying at some point, maybe at the hands of my horrible husband. 

I get out of bed and put on a black work shirt and gray slacks. I do not want to be colorful, I want to be dark. 

Once I leave the house, I do not go to the newsstand. I cannot bare to see any of them. I do not want to see the pity in their eyes. I am a disgraced newsie and they have forgotten that I was a leader at all. I am no leader; I am a boy crazy maniac. 

I wander around the city and it's beauty cannot phase me or change my mood. The city really is wonderful, but I do not deserve wonderful. I take in the surroundings and know in my heart that I won't see the city much. If my spirit doesn't go to hell. maybe my heaven will be in these streets. 

My day is uneventful, with no papers to sell and no one to speak to. I go home after a quick, tasteless lunch. I lay on the couch and imagine things a month ago, with my whole life ahead of me. 

Race and Davey actually come home at an early hour and ask me if I want dinner. I just sort of nod without looking at them. They can see the hole I've dug myself in my mind. They know I'm as low as I can be. When I look up at them, I swear they do not care.

Dinner is silent, except for the chewing. At one point Davey tries to make conversation, but it doesn't work. The weather is nothing to discuss among almost enemies. At one point, I get lose in Race's eyes when I stare at him. He stares back too and I swear he is about to forgive me, when he scowls again. He doesn't want me anymore, no one does. 

After dinner, Race leaves the apartment and I'm left alone with Davey. 

"Davey, will ya eva forgive me," I ask sitting next to him on the couch.

He sighs, "Olivia, I will always love ya. I will. No matta what happens, I will love ya. But, I don' know if I can eva forgive you'se for how ya treated me. I jus don' know. One day, we can maybe mend the pieces."

"What if I don' have any time left Davey," I ask before I can physically stop myself. 

"What," He asks quickly.

I look away, "Nothing, I have ta go ta bed. I'm exhausted."

I start to get up, when his hand grabs my arm, "You'se would tell me if you'se was in trouble right?"

"Of course Davey," I say wrenching my arm away and running into my room. 

Once I fall asleep I will only have one day left of my life.