Through It
You know, I never really noticed how over depression I am until today. I was singing in the shower and laughing slightly at the stupidest memories, and that was when it hit me that I am finally happy. It hit me how far I've come. It hit me that the heavy feeling I used to carry around in my chest is no longer there and hasn't been for awhile.
Because I still remember being 14 years old, scared, staring down at the lifeless body of the person I loved most in the world. I still remember spending 3 whole days in bed, still expecting him to come back home and tell me it was all a joke. He never did. I still remember waking up morning after morning and not seeing a point in living. I still remember looking in the mirror and hating every inch of myself. I still remember sitting quietly during car rides as the voices told me over and over again to kill myself. I still remember crying as I sat beside a container full of pills, daring myself to take them. I still remember digging razors into my skin as a way to ease the ache. I still remember sitting at the edge of my windowsill, 6 floors away from my death. I tried so many times to take that leap. I never did.
Instead, I spent a year and a half allowing my mom to drag me to therapy. I spent a year and a half crying myself to sleep. I spent a year and a half listening to the voices in my head. But I still never managed to take that leap.
Thank God.
Thank God I didn't kill myself.
I still remember being 14 years old, wondering if I will ever be happy again. I am. I am happy. I'm happy that I got through it. I'm happy the voices in my head no longer tell me to kill myself. I'm happy that I'm finally dancing, singing, and laughing. I'm happy that I like what I see in the mirror. I'm happy I'm no longer scared to smile. I'm happy that I'm alive.
I'm 17 now. It's been 3 years since he passed away. It's been 3 years since it started. It took me 3 years to finally get here.
You'll make it through too. Don't give up.
A/N: HEY GUYS ITS BEEN A LONG TIME!!
Wow, can you guys believe that it's been 2+ years since I started writing this series of poems. So much has changed I don't even know where to begin.
Btw I know Suicidal is a series of poems, but I wrote this as a journal entry and I thought you guys might want to read it and that maybe it could help some of you. I'm so sorry this isn't written as a poem at all, but I do hope you guys enjoy this or are inspired by this. I just wanted to let you guys know that hope can always be found. Never lose faith guys!! I love you guys and thank you so much for reading!!
