Letters To My Ex.

Two.

April sits at the end of my snowy white couch, twirling her thumbs and looking at her feet. It's hard to explain all of the to a girl who can be triggered so easily.

I sit at the opposite end, I can't look her in the eye at this point. I don't even feel human, I've lost that right. "I'm so sorry you had to do this over me." I whisper, not daring to move.

"It's Jay I know. Well listen, I don't want to tell you this, because I know he told me not to. He's not over you. I've talked to him a few times." April looked at me but I couldn't look at her back. I broke once more, my eyes became glassy and my head went light.

Suddenly regret turns to anger and I can't control what I'm doing. I find myself throwing things around the living room and glass is shattering left and right. April is ducked down and trying to avoid my fit of regret and anger mixed with complete heart break.

Sadness settles back in after only a few minutes and I find myself crying on the floor. Yet again I'm ashamed of my pathetic life. April is probably not going to talk to me.

I walk back into the kitchen to see the picture of him yet again. His belongings still scattered through the house. The air gets progressively thinner with each breath. Every thought that goes through my mind is of him. I find myself running through the house and back into the bathroom.

I can see the pills I had left earlier, and I'm ready for this.

I count each breath I take, each one slower and slower. I can't believe my life has come to this. After I lost him I lost every ounce of hope for myself. I really want to be in his arms, at least next to him.

I sit the pills back on the counter and go to lay down. I go and change into his shirt, and lay in my bed. Tears roll down my eyes as I hold a bear he bought me.

I eventually cry myself into a pit I can't get out of. Sobbing into an old teddy bear, wishing I could have him back.

I'm sitting on the counter looking through some photos taken over the weekend. I look down at the ground and just recap over everything that happened.

I feel a warm arm wrap around my stomach and I turn to see his smile. I look into his dark brown eyes and find myself craving his kiss. He puts his hand on my jawline, and presses his forehead to mine.

"Carter you are beautiful." He says and smiles. I can't help but blush. He closes his eyes and the next thing I know is an electric feeling rushing through me. The feeling of just his kiss is unbelievable.

Then I woke up. The room is now dark, the light from the window vanished. The television off, and the oppressing feeling is so thick you could cut it with a knife. My bear is clutched tightly in my arms, and my sadness is holding me like Jay used to.

I can't bring myself to get out of my bed, so I just lay looking at the empty ceiling. The pain in my chest is anything but dull. I look over at my mirror, but I don't see myself. I see a girl weighed down with regret, pain, suffer age, and hatred.

I walk into the kitchen and poor myself a cup of black coffee. I look at the clock on the stove, the digital numbers blink 1:48 in a bright red color.

I get a text, but before I can get to my phone I hear a knock at my door. A familiar grey Toyota in my drive, right where it used to be.