Letters To My Ex.

Four.

I wake up on my couch, its 4:30 am. I realize that our getting back together was merely a dream gone horribly wrong. I have no more tears to cry, and I don't have the will to grab another vodka out of the cupboard. I feel the hatred wrap itself around my heart like vines with thorns anchoring into me. Everything seems so blurred. This isn't the first time I've had a dream like this, and I know it wont be the last. I can't wrap my head around this. "He's gone." I whisper into the silence and emptiness of my living room. I roll over on the couch and look at the cushions, and I am stuck wondering yet again where I went wrong. Maybe it wasn't leaving Jay, maybe it was falling in love to begin with.

It doesn't seem to make much since. I have never felt this low until I lost him, so it doesn't make any since that it would be before hand. But, maybe if I hadn't fallen in love with him, then none of this wouldn't have happened. I would be free of regret, I'd be happy right now. I'd be able to hang out with April without being broken, without being scared of my own shadow. I'd be okay with myself, with my life, and with my life.

I walk into my room, looking at everything he left. Broken memories flash through my mind like a record that was scratched in its years. I tour into the bathroom to see the pills from yesterday, the thought that today could've been taken away by my own hands. The pathetic thought of, "Why didn't i take the chance when I had it?" Crosses my sorry mind. I'm stuck in an endless pit of suffering and sadness. I check my phone to see a lock screen full of love, something I've forgotten over the time I've been alone. I've forgotten what it felt like to be loved, wanted, cared for, and of any importance. I can't seem to let him go. I want his name to be the last on my breath, his kiss the last on my lips.

The only friend I got leaves a lot and is unreliable, his name is hope. I can't live with myself knowing I ruined my own life, knowing something I did fucked up my life. I can't forget what I did, not until I'm six foot under. What if I die with this on my heart, with this regret to my name? That's the only real thing I have to my name, regret. Jay and I had an ocean, then drowned in the waves, we had everything, then I walked away. There is something wrong with me, and I can't get it fixed. Once again I'm left on the edge of ending it all. One slice the wrong way, one pill to many, one inch of the ground and I'm out of this pitiful world. If only I could bring myself to do that, but I can't. I don't know if that shows that I'm to week or to strong to do that to myself. I mean I am resisting, but at the same time, I'm trying. I feel myself slipping and the next thing I know I'm laying on the floor unable to move, tears would be rolling, if I had any tears left. I don't feel anything anymore. Pain, regret, depression, anger, everything is simply gone. I've never felt so empty in my entire life, never so alone.

I grab a bottle of Vodka out of the cupboard then I feel it run down my throat with ease. I've become way to used to this. I wont eat, but I'll sure as hell drink my pain away. I drop the bottle from my lips and look down, I chugged half a bottle with no problem. What is my life actually coming to? Other than self pity. I close my eyes and feel my stomach burn. Maybe this could be it, the end.

My Jay, could be anywhere right now, with another girl, or trying to get one. he could be at home with the guys, or anything he really wanted to because he isn't sobbing over a break up 3 months ago! Suddenly, I'm looking at the ceiling and laughing. I can't fix this, I'm stuck in this hole that I've dug for myself. I laugh until my four walls feel like they're closing in. I bet he hates me, I bet he can't stand the thought of me. I wonder if he wishes me dead, I wouldn't doubt it. "Jay...." I hear myself whisper.

I can almost feel my death. I miss the way he used to look at me and smile, the way his hand felt in mine, I miss the way he put his arm around me when another guy would look at me, I miss the way he was serious, but still silly. I miss how easily he made me smile, I miss his brown eyes, his crooked smile, his laugh, I miss how he would roll over in his sleep and pull me in when he was having a bad dream. I just held all this in, and I never told him. I never showed how much he actually meant to me, I could've told him, kept him. I let him down by walking away. I remember how cheesy he was when we first got together. I remember the flower he got me, it was a lily. I just don't think that he would've understood. I would've told him if I could've just put it in words. I don't want him to see me anymore, I don't want anyone to see me. I don't think they would know who I am at this point.

I had come down with a stomach virus, and he felt bad because he couldn't help me. He went out and picked me a lily, and brought me a teddy bear back. I treasured that bear, and the little pink flower. I remember him kissing me on the forehead and promising me that today was a lazy day for me, and he spent that whole day making me Kool-aid, and crackers. Then that night he cuddled up to me, turned on Disney movies and held me until I fell asleep. The feeling of waking up in his arms was among the best there was. When Jay held me, it was a feeling of love, warmth and safety.

Why did I decide to let all that go? Well, I was being immature. We had gotten into a fight, and we weren't talking. I had said somethings, but so had he. I messaged him saying I needed time away, I thought it was the best thing to do at the time. He tried to talk me out of it, but I couldn't be bothered. I'm feeling frozen but the world still turns, the wheels keep spinning around. I can't catch my breath now.

I watch the ceiling fan spinning in an endless circle, not knowing an end. Its fate rests in someone else's hands, and it will keep moving until it is told to stop. The thing about the ceiling fan that makes me feel uneasy is that I can see what it is going through even though it has no real emotions. I could've saw a million things in this room, but out of all the things, I see the one following someones command. Maybe that's what is happening. I'm Jay's puppet, with no way out I'm voluntarily subject to this pain. I feel less pain and more loneliness than anything. I need to get over him, I need to wake up and learn to live without him.