Letters To My Ex.

Five.

I grab black leggings and a Star Wars jumper then head into the shower. Once out I blow dry and straighten my hair. I do my make up and call April. "Hey what do you say going to the mall today?" I ask when she answers. "Uh, yeah okay. If you feel up to it Carter," She seemed shocked, I'm not surprised. "See you at six."

I have an hour. I spray perfume and grab deodorant, slip on my black vans and I'm out the door. Car rides seem to feel short when you're rocking out to your favorite song. I get into the mall to see a few interesting movies, and a high school grunge band playing to whoever will listen. I walk around to see the Rue 21, and a Starbucks on the corner.

I can remember going days without Jay when we were together. I would always come hang out at the mall when I couldn't see him for a few days, and here I am now. This is where our first date was, where our first kiss was. I remember being hit on by one of the guys selling movie tickets. Jay smiled at him, then kissed me for what felt like ages. I think that was him getting territorial. I was always really protective over Jay, I just couldn't help it. I was sou proud to always call him mine, that I couldn't imagine anyone else doing the same. I couldn't see anyone else calling him there's. It never really hit me that he could've moved on by now. I just can't picture him with anyone else, I think that's what hurts the most. The idea that I let him go and that now he's with another girl making her feel like the princess that I was. I couldn't see my Jay with anyone else, it hurts to think about someone else loving him. I have to tackle this problem and be tough about it because if I'm not I'm practically in a feeling of pure bitterness.

This feeling is a battle between my mind and my heart. My heart says get him back, but I know in my mind that's not a great idea. I know he's important to me, to my happiness, but I can't openly get him back.

I feel the way he used to mindlessly rub my back because he knew my back was always hurting, or the way he would always walk slow next to me because he knew my leg hurt when I walked to fast. When I wanted to run, how he would run right next to me to keep me moving. He knew exactly how I liked my coffee, and how I liked my pancakes. He knew how to wake me up without making me mad, and how to get me to sleep when I was having an insomnia night, and he knew when I was having a nightmare just by the look on my face. He always knew when something was wrong, he always said my eyes got deeper when I was upset, and lighter when I was mad. I never noticed any difference, but maybe it was just because he knew me. When I was having the monthly issue, he would run my bath, and let me relax each night after a day of cuddling and Disney movies. I remember how he used to love me, how he used to hold me, the way he looked at me, everything. It's hard to get all of that back when you think about it, how many guys would do all that?

I see April coming toward me from the distance, I openly welcome her and we begin toward the movies. "What about Batman?" She says getting excited, "let us Batman!" I respond.

Jay was my superman, I always called him that because anything I needed he knew and he helped me automatically without question whatsoever. That's a hard thing to replace, he's a rare guy. He was a great guy, and I ruined that for myself because I didn't realize what was right in front of me. I could be holding him right now, his arms around me, mine around him watching a movie, but instead I feel alone in a theater full of people.

After the movie we go out to some new Asian restaurant then out window shopping, trying to get my mind off Jay. "So, how'd ya like the movie?" April says in that three-year-old kind of playfulness. "It was great, and yourself?" I say eyeing a dress. I hear her mumble something but I can't make out what it is because I've zoned out into my world.

Part of me wants to cry, but I can't ruin April's day because I ruined my own life. This is my fault and I'm stuck in the world I've created for myself. There is nothing I can do to fix it. I look at April who has found some other friends, she waved me good-bye and left me to drown myself. I walk into a baby clothing store, he could be here with me, he would be picking out the cutest things for the cutest baby. But, here I am lost in a mall I know so well, lost in thought.