Letters To My Ex.

Three.

My stomach sunk to my feet as I walk to the door. The idea that he could be here was unbearable no matter how much I missed him. There is no way I could handle seeing him. KNot with what I've been going through. This is not right, this isn't realistic.

I open the door to be face to face with nothing but open woods. I look back outside at the drive to see the car was nothing but my imagination. I close the door and slam my fist on the wall nearest to me. I'm letting myself get to broken over something this simple.

Jay has become nothing but my pain and suffering. I can't do this anymore. I break every single time I hear his name. My heart has been broken, but now even the pieces I've worked so hard to pick up are falling on the floor.

I walk into the kitchen and grab a bottle of rum before dragging myself into my bedroom, hoping to drink my pain of him away. I twist open the clear glass bottle and chug the length of the neck of the bottle. Its burns going down, but it isn't anything I'm not already used to. A silent sob forms in my throat and I can't fight it back. Yet again, I'm left broken on the floor.

The illusions never become reality, love that you think you feel seems only temporary. Love can be found by the touch of a hand, but it can be washed away like a drawing in the sand. Jay was the sand, and I washed everything away with a single blow. I shot him right in the heart, but it seems to have ricochet right back into my heart.

I finally come to open the text, only half sober. It was from him, "Hey, how are you?" Just that simple four word text was enough to make my heart drop into my gut. I can't imagine seeing him again right now. I can't imagine having to look into his big brown eyes, having to explain why I left. I haven't even figured that out for myself, how could I explain that to the one person in this world that made me feel like I mattered. I don't understand why I let him go under any circumstances.

I have to reply, no matter how much I dread talking to him. "I'm fine, and you?" I drop my phone on the counter and lean back in the chair I have now placed myself into. I want to move somewhere he can't find me, I want to start over and forget all about him but I just can't. But, at the same time I want to explain to him why I left, why I was so god damn stupid as to give us up. But I can't. No matter how bad I want him to understand, how bad I want him back, I can't even talk to him.

We go on texting for what seems like ages, its a chat you would expect out of acquaintances. The familiar feeling of regret and hatred for myself settles in as I read the text he last sent me, "Why would you do something like this to me?"

In the simplest terms I can think of to put this, I started this fire and fell in the flames. I built this boat, then drowned in the waves. I ruined something that I didn't realize was good for me. Like taking that first puff of a cigarette, it seems like a good idea at first but then the next thing you know your laying in a hospital bed in a room with people you barely know anymore and you don't know if your next breath would be your last. I know he didn't want this, my only problem is the fact that I thought I did.

Trying to explain to him all the reasons I left, was like trying to explain algebra to a infant. It felt like taking a knife to the heart by my own hand.

"So, your saying you regret it, Carter?" I read to myself, I stare at the screen for what seems like years. Even after the screen has went dark I just cant seem to get my eyes off of it. I unlock my phone again, "Yes Jay, I really do." It doesn't feel like a second before he replies one word, "Good."

I find myself walking out the door and getting in my car. The next thing I remember is pulling into Jay's drive. I just sat there, asking myself why I ended up here. As I step out of the car, Jay walks out onto his porch. "Carter, what a great surprise, come on in."

As I sit in his kitchen he pours us each a cup of coffee, and sits mine in front of me. I find myself looking into the dark brown eyes that I have come to love. He puts on my favorite song, "I See Fire" by Ed Sheeran, how ironic.

As we sit there in silence with the music playing softly in the background, I find myself breaking down. Not here, not now Carter get yourself together! Then the next thing I know I'm wrapped in the arms of the boy I've fallen for, and I'm crying over him on his own shoulder. It gave me closure, to be held by him one last time. Tears soak his shoulders and pain soaks my heart.

"I need you Carter." I hear, I can feel the pain evaporate into midair just as it had come about. "You do?" I whisper softly, not able to break out of my tears. "Yes Carter, and I only need one more chance to prove it." I look him in the eyes.

His hand rests on my jawline so he knows I wont look away, when I try to look down he doesn't try to stop me. I feel a tear roll down my face, then he lifts my head up with his hand on my chin, then an electric feeling I know so well jolts through my body like a light switch just hit instantly. A million volts run through me and I don't have time to react before I'm wrapped in a warm feeling. This all feels like a dream, but I would've woken up by now.

"Please Carter, just say yes." He says and I look back down to my conversed feet. "You know I love you Carter." I hear, I just can't speak. "Carter, just say yes." He says. "Y-yeah," I bring myself to say. "Jay I love you but I don't see how you would want me back." He looked me in the eye and showed a sad smile, "I never wanted to say goodbye." That didn't make me feel any better. "Yes." I say in a hushed voice. "What?" He was clearly confused. "Well, you asked, I answered."

The smile I love is finally back plastered on his face. Tears roll down my face, knowing I have him back. The idea of being his yet again makes me so happy.