Warning: Self harm and Suicide
ooOOoo
It's been a long day without you, my friend
And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again
We've come a long way from where we began
Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again
When I see you again
ooOOoo
John came in the door of 221B, exhausted, again. But he had to keep working. If he stopped, if John didn't keep himself distracted... He collapsed into his chair, eyes glazing over in pain as he saw the empty chair across from him.
Officially, John didn't live here anymore. Mrs.Hudson had left everything as Sherlock had it. She let John in after work, sometimes he slept in Sherlock's bed. He had moved to a poky apartment that didn't even have a bed. But it had a knife. That was all John needed. To forget. He couldn't remember, it hurt to remember. Nothing like any pain John had experienced before. John had been shot, tortured, half-dead. But those were minor pains compared to these agonies, this burning, crippling, hole that threatened to engulf him entirely.
ooOOoo
Damn, who knew?
All the planes we flew
Good things we've been through
ooOOoo
His therapist had told him to focus on the happy things, to smile because our friendship had been so strong, but it didn't work. It made John worse. Every time he thought about Sherlock shooting the wall, insulting Anderson, playing the violin in the wee hours of the morning, John would wake to find himself in a pool of his own blood, knife or razor by his side.
The good memories that he could conjure were tainted by ones that made him physically throw up, made him crouch to the ground, doubled over with a pain so numbing he couldn't cry out. Sometimes, if he was lucky, he could cry. But, most of the time, it was just the hole, the blank space that was slowly widening, consuming him entirely.
ooOOoo
That I'll be standing right here talking to you
'Bout another path
I know we loved to hit the road and laugh
But something told me that it wouldn't last
Had to switch up
Look at things different, see the bigger picture
Those were the days
Hard work forever pays
Now I see you in a better place
ooOOoo
John closed his eyes. Big mistake. He closed his eyes, and then he was standing outside St.Bartholomew's hospital on that fateful day. He was calling Sherlock's name, but nothing, no matter how hard he yelled, was stopping Sherlock's body from falling, down, down, down, until it came to an agonising stop.
"He's my friend, let me through!"
His eyes snapped open, and the release he needed, the warm rush of tears, did not come. Instead, the black hole sucked a little more of his soul in, got that little bit bigger.
His therapist had tried to get him to talk. He had said that he didn't get to say some things he would've liked to have said. She told him to speak to Sherlock's grave. And yet, John could not bring himself to say it.
ooOOoo
How can we not talk about family when family's all that we got?
Everything I went through you were standing there by my side
ooOOoo
John still couldn't say it. He choked every time he tried. But the gap was getting bigger by the week, by the day, by the second.
John found what he had been looling for.
His revolver.
The razor blades and knives had only gotten him so far.
Now he needed the pain to stop. He had wanted it to stop. Of course he had. He had thought if he hurt enough his companion would return. But he hadn't. He wasn't going to. He never would. The wanting had stopped. The needing had begun.
John had finally given up.
He was a soldier, his body was strong.
He was a doctor, his mind was strong.
But his heart wasn't.
Bang.
ooOOoo
And now you gon' be with me for the last ride
ooOOoo
Somewhere in Germany, a tall, pale man jumped when he jeard someone enter his room. He hid the plane tickets behind his back, out of view from his brother.
"Mycroft?"
The other man closed the door. "I have news."
The cheekboned man perked up. He needed to know if John was okay. His John. His dear Watson. "Yes?"
"You might want to sit down."
ooOOoo
It's been a long day without you, my friend
And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again
OoOOoo
