Paint The Sky

Chapter 6

  "That doesn't mean you can't move on." Finnick's voice echoes in my head.
  But he doesn't understand. I can't. This is my last promise to Brandon.
  That night I have a dream.
  Brandon is there, hanging onto me. Clutching me tightly. "What's wrong?" I whisper. I can tell he's dying. He's hanging onto me, hanging onto life.
  "I love you," he whispers back. "Be happy."
  "I can't be happy without you," I reply.
  I wake up.
  Be happy.
  As if.

  I go onto the flat mesa top and sit down. I have to think. About Brandon and Finnick. But separately. Brandon and Finnick don't coexist well together in my head.
  I loved Brandon. I know that.
  But Finnick. Sweet Finnick. He just wants to be close to me.
  Speak of the devil.
  Finnick comes over and sits down next to me. "I was looking for you," he says.
  "I want to be alone right now," I tell him.
  Instead of replying, he laces his fingers through mine. I pull away.
  "Why do you do this?" He suddenly demands.
  "What are you talking about?" I ask exasperatedly.
  "First you go and kiss me, and now you're acting like you don't even know me!" He says angrily.
  "I really don't," I tell him quietly.
  "Then why do you go and lead me on like that?"
  Lead him on? Do I...oh. Right. The kiss. "That one time was a mistake okay? I shouldn't have done it!" I say angrily and stand up.
  Finnick stands up too. "I don't get you."
  "Well I don't get you either!" I shout. I don't know why I like him, or why he's so cute, or why he likes me!
  "I just wish you'd give me a chance."
  "A chance to what, Finnick? Fall in love with me? And then die? Everyone dies! And I don't want to get hurt!"
  The truth at last. I'm not staying away from him because of Brandon. I'm staying away from him because of me. Because I'm stupid and selfish and I don't care about anyone but myself.
  "Why do you like me, anyway?" I ask softly.
  "Because...I don't know!" He says, obviously a little confused by the turn in conversation.
  "Well that's just stupid!" I retort.
  "Oh yeah? Well why do you like me then?"
  "I don't like you," I say shortly.
  He looks at me, hurt, and tells me, "Fine." He turns away frustratedly, and walks off.
  I really am a horrible person. I have no regard for other people's feelings or what kind of consequences my actions will bring.
  "Fine," I say to just myself. I turn away and March off in the other direction.

  I sit down on a bench on the back of our property. I don't like Finnick. I don't. I don't. I don't.
  I don-
  I imagine his hurt face. His hand in mine. His arms around me.
  I wish I could like him. But I can't. Ever.
  I refuse to let myself.

  That night I have another dream. I'm in a forest, and I'm screaming and screaming and screaming and there's no one to hear me.
  I'm screaming Finnick's name over and over.
  My voice sounds so desperate and heartbroken, I'm not even sure it's mine.
  Suddenly, i see a green twinkle coming from behind a tree. I know it's him. I know it. He's hiding from me. But why?
  I start to get angry. He heard me. I run after him, like some horrible game of tag.
  I'm just about to reach him when....
  I wake up.
  I know what that dream was. It was showing me that I could never, never have Finnick. Because I couldn't catch him.
  So basically, I'm in the way of myself.