That Night Everything Fell Apart #Wattys2016

XII. Realizations

That moment when you really wanted to be happy, delighted, feel relieved, but somehow you just can't. It's something like dreaming and having a nightmare, all at the same time. It's like half of your body's on the light side and the half's on the dark side. It's completely insane.

Guilt has become my best buddy, if you'd ask me. It's a constanf reminder of the poor choices I made in my life. Everytime I wanted to be happy, something pulls me out. It stops everything from working according to plan. It's just that, I don't know what to feel. Everything's mixed up with everything.

"Is everything all right, Becks?" Aliza pulled me out of my train of thoughts. It has been a couple of minutes since Mom made the call, and here I am, still holding the phone to my ear, and is completely away from my body. I might as well have experienced astral projection. Not.

I turned to face Aliza and smiled to her. I didn't know if it was a fake one or not. But it was an involuntary reaction. "I have something to tell you." I began.

"What is it?" She asked eagerly.

"He's been sober for days." I said, not in a cheerful tone. Actually, it sounded so awkward..no, not awkward, somewhat in an unexpressive way. More like in a bored tone.

"No way?" She said, amazed and shocked at the same time.

"Yes way." I deadpanned.

"That's good news, Becks. You can stop worrying." She said and I didn't answer.

Just like that, the small amount of happiness and relief evaporated and would never be precipitated. Aliza must've notices it as she approached me and nudged me lightly.

I sighed deeply and said, "Seann asked me if I'm going home."

"Ohhh." She said, empathizing my current emotion.

"Yeah, so basically, I'm never gonna be okay for the rest of the summer. I'm never gonna get a taste of that thing they call peace of mind. I'm not blaming them for everything that's been happening to my life, because I know they never wanted this too. It's just that, why can life be so unfair? Why can't we all just have the same episodes on our timeline?." I blabbered, incoherently. I just think that I could really use a little  tap on my back and like Aliza said, it's not that bad to share the load.

"Becks, if God intended for us to live like automatic, computer-generated robots with programs installed in our system, then this world doesn't have a room for change. There's always gonna be someone prettier than you, smarter than you, taller than you, fairer than you and an infinite collection of other superiorities. And that no matter how flawed or genuinely indifferent you are from others just because you get to experience this kind of life, doesn't mean you are weak. No. God put you in this because He knows you are strong. You are stronger than you think, Becks. You just have to open your eyes and see the world not as bad as you think it is. Have the life. Not just a life." Aliza said meaningfully, and it's been very comforting and I feel so light like a heavy burden has been lift up after hearing those sweet words from her. It's truly spectacular, that there's always gonna be someone who can understand what you're going through and knows what you really want to hear. A pinch of positivity.

***

"Oh my God, I am so dead." Aliza exclaimed.

"What? Why?" I asked as I looked at her and she's being her usual transparent self. Her eye's bulging like it's threatening to leap off of her sockets. Mouth wide open as she gasped at something that might have been the cause of her sudden state of shock. She worked her fingers through her hair and I know, any minute now she'll pull her hairs off. Yes, she's Aliza Bentham, and she's really really capable of hurting herself while looking so funny.