Intractable

0.2

Years ago, I was asking a question to my best friend, Nova, about what is the most heartbreaking thing ever happened to her and she asked me the same question. You know what my answer was? I said, in an arrogant way, that I have never had any heartbreaking thing happened to me.

Well, God seemed like wanting to give a taste of my own medicine for being arrogant at that time.

I heard it clearly, with my own ears, that Ben was falling in love with a girl. It wasn't me, it was Luna.

I met Luna once when Ben invited her for a sleepover. I didn't mind about it but it was quite disturbing when you saw a boy that you had a feeling for since highschool goofing around with another girl right in front of your face. They did talk to me and acknowledge me that I was indeed living in the apartment too but still, it was really bothering to me.

I thought Ben wouldn't fall in love with another girl since he seemed like spending most of his time with me.

I was wrong. I was completely wrong.

My heart broke into pieces after I heard his confession to me. I couldn't sleep that night. I cried against my pillow, not wanting Ben to hear it or he would come and see me crying over him. I didn't even come out of my room the next day and I told Ben that I was sick and I just wanted to stay in bed all day.

He offered to stay with me so he can take care of everything but I declined, telling him that I was completely okay on my own.

I didn't know that being heartbroken was awfully painful. It was hard for me to breathe and I couldn't control the tears and the memories of us together until he said that he might love Luna.

I've never experienced this kind of feeling. I need someone so I called Nova. I couldn't stand being alone or my brain would automatically thinking about last night and all the sweet memories of me and Ben.

"Lily! God! I miss--what the hell happened to you?!" Nova shouted at the other line, we were Skypeing right now.

I didn't say anything, instead I cried again. After all it was all I can do, crying.

"Lily, are you okay? What happened?" Nova asked again, she sounded worried about me.

"It was Ben," my voice was cracking.

"What? What did he do?"

"He said that he fall in love,"

"Well, that's good. Are you guys okay?"

"He's not in love with me, Nova!" I whispered-shouted. "He's not in love with me! He's in love with someone else!" and I broke down again as I covering my face with my hands.

It was the most painful thing I've ever felt in my entire life. God, how was I supposed to do? Should I stay in this apartment? How could I face him again? Everything wouldn't be the same anymore.

Nova kept saying about me to stop crying and let it out through music. She even said that maybe I should get my own place sooner and don't make it look like I'm distancing myself from Ben.

We were Skypeing for 2 hours until I decided to eat something then probably go to sleep. My head felt dizzy and I lost my appetite but if I didn't eat something I would probably be sick.

God, Ben Parish! How could you do this to me?!

💕

It had been few weeks after Ben told me about his feeling and it seemed like he was serious about it.

Luna and Ben were dating now. Ben told me last night about him asking Luna to be his girlfriend and she said yes. Of course I was pretending to be happy for him since I was his best friend. I put on a fake smile and told him that I was happy for him.

The weird thing was he stayed the same. He would still cook me breakfast, he would still tell me if I had a food on my lips or teeth. He would still be there for me when I was stressed over everything. He stayed the same as my best friend.

And I wasn't happy with that. He was the one who ripped my heart out but he was also the one who picked up the pieces. It frustrated me in all honesty. I tried to forget about him and the stupid feeling that I had but it was hard when he was being sweet. He liked to give me a sudden hug or sometimes he kisses my cheeks or forehead.

There was a war inside my soul. I was having a war with myself. What should I do? Should I tell him about my feeling? Or should I just move on and forget about everything?

God, this thing were messy and it hurts my feeling. How do you make pains to go away? I couldn't figure it out.

I blinked away the thoughts and reminded myself that I was in a class right now.

"Your next assignment is write a song about your life experience. It can be about anything. And please, I don't want any rubbish lyric when I see it or I'll give you guys a straight F, understand?" the professor said and dismissed the class immediately.

I grabbed my satchel and made my way back to the apartment. As soon as I arrived I heard a giggle from the living room.

It was Ben and Luna.

I took a deep breath before putting a smile on my face and greeted them.

"Hi, guys!" I waved my hand to them.

Uh-oh, Ben had his left hand wrapped around Luna's waist. Not good, not good!

"Hi!" Luna greeted back. "Ben and I are going to watch some movies, do you want to join with us?"

Ben looked at me and I could tell by his eyes that he wanted me to watch movies with them.

But I shook my head, still smiling.

"No, thanks. I need to write a song for my assignment tho, the deadline is like the day after tomorrow," I lied.

Ben's eyes were a bit down but I didn't care. I need to think about my feeling first.

So I left them and locked my bedroom door before focusing on writing a song.

I heard them talking about everything and laughing at something. The image of him kissing her with such tender and love made me sad. God, how could I be this pathetic? It had been few weeks and my heart still aching at the thought of Ben with Luna together.

Later that day, I wrote all the pain that I felt since the day Ben told me he loved Luna until today. I wrote all the pain and wished that I could wash them away, wished that I could be happy again.

I wished that I could have Ben for myself.

💕