I Belong Here

Don't

You don't know what a panic attack is. No its not crying so hard that your struggling to breathe.

No it's not freaking out about school the next day because you have an exam and not being able to sleep.

Its not crying because you had a fight with your boyfriend and your worried you won't get back together.

No, none of those are panic attacks. They could be triggers though.

A panic attack is a sudden rush of pure fear. You believe that if you don't get out of that situation you will be extremely hurt or die. You want to run but then you think, if I run, it will follow. So you stay and try to fight it.

But then you think "Ill loose."

Your stuck between fight or flight and you don't know where to hide, or how to prepare yourself for the battle of a life time.

Youre crying because you can't breathe, and then you start to think that youre gonna die. this is it.

now this makes you cry harder because you don't wanna die. Unless you are suicidal. then you welcome the struggle with open arms, as an old friend. But you have to remind yourself why youre still here, why you are still living. that is how you survive through a panic attack. I suffer from panic disorder. So ill tell you about my last panic attack.

i was sitting in maths. now this subject already makes me feel nervous. I was sitting next to one of my friends *Oliver. Oliver turns to me and says "so your favourite TV show is BONES right?"

i nodded.

"well one day people like that will be examining our bodies. A whole new generation will be watching the 6 o'clock news, hearing about this new archaeology discovery. or maybe one of us in here right now is the next serial killer and we will one day be scrollin' through facebook and we will see an "identify this man: wanted for murder." and alot of this class as we recognise the face from someone in this classroom right now, and then we will read through who the victim was, and again, we will look in horror as we recognise the name of the victim, again, someone from inside this room right now. You could either be the killer Buckley, or you could be the victim."

i continued doing my work as he was spinning this tale and i kept thinking about what he just said. I eventually dropped my pencil, tears welling in my eyes. I will die. i could make someone hate me so much, that they kill me, knowing the consequences. Someone could target me and kill me. now my reputation is known as being a person to threaten death. i know that if anyone in the school, who had crossed my path ever went missing, i would be the #1 suspect. Alot of people hate me because i don't give a shit about what people think. People would want to hurt me if they got the chance. 

What's Stopping them?

This was the trigger for my panic attack. I suddenly felt like everyone was trying to hurt me, kill me. I started to freak out. My breathing got faster and shallower making me feel light headed which didn't help the situation. I grabbed the scissors from my pencil case and shoved them into the waistband of my shorts. I needed protection from them. I started to cry as i realised the bell was about to go and i would soon be facing over 400 students who wanted to kill me. The walls started closing in and everything started going black until i fought back, saying that if i passed out, i would be an easy target and they could do what they wanted to me. The bell rang and i had never been more scared in my life. I stepped out side and ran for the nearest bathroom, but because it was between classes all the girls were there, so i panicked even more. I had no safe space. I was stuck with 400 students trying to kill me. 

Well thats what i thought. You don't have any control. You don't have any sense. You can't put on a funny movie and everything be okay. For me the only thing that calms me down is a beautiful friend of mine and sometimes she isn't there. Its not her fault and i don't hate her for that, im never angry if i cant get in contact with her. I just use the same techniques she uses with me. It takes longer and doesn't always work but i try my hardest. 

DON'T YOU DARE come to my saying you had an anxiety/panic attack when it was just crying so hard you can't breathe. Its not a panic attack, its an emotional breakdown. There is a difference.