When Both Our Cars Collide (Frerard)

It Hurts So Bad

"So, was that your first time?" Frank giggles as we cuddle in the morning when we wake up. He kisses my neck and I pull him in closer to me. This is the first time of a lot of things for me. First time giving a hickey, first time being sober during sex, first time waking up next to someone I love. 

I can't ever tell anyone about Mikey and me...uhh, awkward much? "Uhm, yeah...was it obvious?" He smirks and nods. "Oh thanks!" I laugh. "Also, can you not tell Mikey about this?" I ask. He looks at me and gulps. "Uhm..." I tilt my head to the side. "You didn't?" He nods. "You did! You told Mikey? Why would you?" I start to freak out. "I have to go... I have to run away again..." Frank grabs my face and repeatedly kisses my nose. "Shhh..." I don't know why, but this is super relaxing.

We lay face to face, our legs tangled under the bed sheets. "your eyes are beautiful," he says. "I could stare at them all day." He raises his hand and gently strokes my hair out of my face which sends shivers down my spine. Our foreheads touch and we push our noses together. We both giggles and he wraps his arms around my waist to keep me close.

There's a knock at the door. Neither of us move. "Did you order room service?" I ask. He shakes his head. The knocking stops so we just assume that someone got the wrong room number. We shrug it off and I kiss Frank for a long time. There's another knock at the door and it bursts open. "What the hell?" I cover me and Frank with the bed sheets. "Mikey? What are you doing?" I yell. "What the hell is this? Why would you run out on me like that? I was scared shitless!" he replies. I shrug him a 'whatever'.  There are tears in his eyes but I feel nothing for him anymore. "You shouldn't have done what you did! You're horrid! I don't love you Mikey! I love this bundle of joy..." Frank blushes and smiles and he squeezes my hand and looks at me with his loving puppy eyes which makes me feel safer.

"Him? You love him? He's nothing compared to me! He can't love you like I do!" Mikey yells. "Well I don't want him to love me like you do; your love for me is disgusting," I say. That did it. Mikey charges at Frank. He wraps his arms and tries to strangle Frank. "Mikey!" I yell and grab him and try to pull him off. Tears run down my face and I shriek and scream. "Get off him! Get off!" I get Mikey's head in my hand and headbutt him hard. This weakens his grip so I push him to the floor. I hate violence but I had to help Frank. Mikey is laying on the floor by the bed and I kick him over and over until Frank grabs me and stops me.

I sniffle. Frank starts packing up my things and I get changed. We both rush into my car, but he gets in the drivers seat. "Tell me, what's going on?" he asks me. " I don't know any more..." I say. Why does my life have to be so complicated? "Is your neck alright?" I ask. "He didn't hurt me too much," he replies. He half smiles and reaches out. He holds my hand while driving and it disturbs me because Mikey used to do that so I quickly pull away and try to change the subject. "Where are we going?" I ask. "You're all questions now, aren't you? We're going out of town...after some pit-stops." We stop outside my house and we grab loads of my things and off we go again. "What about you?" I ask him as we leave town. "I have things there already, silly! It's my house. It's new, my mum bought it for me last week! It's amazing," he tells me.

"Since we're playing '21 questions'," he starts. "Why did you pull away from me when I held your hand?" he asks. "Well, Mikey used to do that..." I explain. "And what's going on between you two, or is that for another time?" I shrug. "You know I'll get it out of you sooner or later," he says. I nod. "One...last question... Are you okay?" I shake my head and look out of the window to my side. "I'm not okay Frank."

***

We arrive at a fancy looking house out of town. "Here we are!" He gets out of the car and gets all of my things out of the boot. I take a deep breath and get out of the car. Frank opens the house door and I lock the car doors before following him inside. "This is amazing," I say. He smiles. "Welcome home sweetie." He takes my things upstairs to a room. "There's only one bed, so...I hope that's okay..." I nod. His room has black painted walls that are covered in posters.

"In the basement is a recording studio with guitars, sound proof walls, mics and all that stuff. Music is my passion. Help yourself to anything... Except the attic! That's private..." I nod and agree not to go there. "So, this is your home now. I'll go get you some keys cut for you and pizza...with Ben & Jerry's for dessert?" I grin. "Yes!" He smiles and kisses me. "Get comfy, make yourself at home. I'll be back soon." He puts a coat on and leaves.

I go upstairs and open the attic door. I climb up the steps and look around for a light switch. I smash my hand around the wall until I found the light switch. I turn on the light and look around. "Oh my God," I whisper to myself. I look around the 'forbidden room' and to be honest, I see why it's a forbidden room. To put it short (like Frank), my boyfriend is a kinky lil midget!

I'll just pretend I never saw that.

I sit on our bed and start getting changed when the door swings open. "I forgot my money..." He sees me in nothing but my boxers. "H-hi..." I say nervously. He grins at the sight of me. "S-stop it!" I blush.

"It's not like I haven't seen it before..." I look at him cautiously. After seeing the attic, I feel weirded out. "You...you looked in the attic..." he sighs.
"I-I'm sorry..." I apologize over and over. "It's fine..." He sighs and scratches his eyebrow. "Um, my money is in the..." He points at the draw and I get his wallet and pass it to him. I apologize again.

"It's okay," he says, but he doesn't mean it. He doesn't look at me. He turns and starts walking away. He stops in the doorway, takes a deep breath and looks over his shoulder at me with big sad eyes. Then he shakes his head and leaves.

I feel so guilty, I have to make it up to him...somehow, or I need to do something to make this less painful for me... So I go to the bathroom and look around. I hate what I've done to Frank and I feel guilty for betraying his trust. I get a razor and slash at my thighs. There isn't anything to cover it up with so I just leave the wound to seep out. I look in the draw by his bed and take 4 boxes of cigarettes and a lighter. I put them in my bag and get out a notebook. I start to right to Frank and as I leave it on the bed, a tear splashes on the  paper.

I put some jeans and a top on and put all of my things into the car. I start the engine and drive through town. I see Frank in a shop (he didn't see me) and I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I love him so much...why am I doing this? I look at how happy he looks, but I keep driving anyway. I don't look back either. I have to move on because now, I have no one. The only person I can trust is myself and even that is risky at times.

I'm on the run.