Behind The Mask

Alive But Not Living

     One, two, three, four hours passed since I got to the park. I sat there, crying, thinking,'nothing else. Everyone left, everyone but me. That's when I realize I may be alive but I'm not living. One little thing will make me feel alive, one little thing, but if I feel alive to deep, I may die. That may be a good thing...
     'I spent so long behind a mask, I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what to do, I do nothing. I sit, cry, and wait for someone to save me.
     My pride, gone. My confidence, gone. My happiness, gone. Myself, gone. The things I that made my life, gone. I lost these things a long time ago, and there's no going back.'
My thoughts circled my head, over and over
     'I am not happy, yet I pretend I, I pretend that nothing is wrong, I pretend that I'm ok, I pretend to be something who I'm not. All the, "I'm fine's" to everyone I love is slowly killing me. I pretend everything that's not true. I hide away from everything when I know I need to face them, but I don't. What will happen to me if I keep this mask for so long? What will happen to the person inside?'
     Should I feel alive now? Or at home? Now in the ally no one can see .
I long for the feeling of the blade dancing along my wrist leaving a trail of blood, I smile. I reach for my purse and find my small black box. I reach in and find the thing that will make me feel alive , my blade. One cut not too deep I need to be able to cover up. One turned into five , then ten.
I feel numb, the cuts make me feel alive. The memories hurt so much, they over power every feeling in my body. The cuts are my escape, my only escape.
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