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25: Suffocating

disclaimer: homophobic slurs [if anyone is offended or triggered, i'll delete them immediately, i probably will soon anyway because it makes me uncomrfortable] also, views of characters do not reflect my own

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25: Suffocating

"Do you really think Adrienne could have done it?" I ask Graham once we've gotten in the car with our pizza. It's a scary thing to consider—seriously questioning whether a girl who used to be in my Chem class is capable of murder, and that the victim was said girl's best friend—I couldn't dream of hurting Caggie, not in the way that's permanent and so much more than words said in the heat of the moment. That's the thing, though, I'm slowly having to realise, is that things don't end where my imagination does, where I draw the line of being vindictive and hateful is nothing but a stepping stone for other people, and the possibility is entirely plausible.

I watch Graham shrug his shoulders, focusing on backing out of the parking lot. He's so disinterested in it all, because to him, Devin Hill was a seventeen year old girl who went to high school and hadn't even applied to college yet. But then I remember Devin Hill without the rose tinted glasses, as a seventeen year old girl who attended college parties, and despised Idris' twin sister, was responsible for removing her from the scene, who slotted herself in as the new It-Girl once Adrienne left, who had a college boyfriend she was cheating on, who was this thing I struggle with describing.

"It's hard to say," he says at last, and I don't miss the way Fred's head turns to watch as we drive away. "Adrienne was her best friend, but jealousy makes people do stupid things sometimes." It's not enough of a definite answer as I was hoping for, because I'd been hoping the only people I'd have had to consider were whoever could have been Devin's mysterious boyfriend, instead of looking much closer to home than I'd like. Graham pulls a face, continuing, "It could have been anyone, though, I mean, look what happened during your sophomore year."

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It doesn't surprise me that even behind bars, Dean is able to pull the strings. It's done nothing to curb his addiction to knowing everything that happens, another guy just like Logan C., his own moles in place all over the city. It scares me how two eighteen year old boys have been able to monopolize information in such a way and ensure that nothing happens without their say so.

This god like nature is exactly what Devin was striving for, if the diary is anything to go by. I hate to be thankful that she couldn't achieve it, but the simple thought of what she could have done if she'd been the ultimate It-Girl scares me much more than the thought of someone taking the lengths to kill her into silence.

I'm expecting another phone call after my encounter with Benny, because I've finally gotten used to how things work around here. Even though I'm trying to make sense of the diary—wherein I thought only Charlie and I knew it existed—I can't do much of anything without having someone spoon feed me the information for it to make sense. It's frustrating to think that Benny knows who did it, he planted the diary himself, he's letting someone get away with murder—someone who may have made his existence a nightmare, but a girl he knew all the same.

So when Dean calls, I'm expecting everything other than what he says to me. "I heard you spoke with Benny," he says once I've been able to sneak away from Graham's observant gaze, closing the door to my bedroom and standing against it. "I'm not surprised he couldn't keep his mouth shut."

"You knew?" I splutter.

"Of course I did," Dean says easily, and I can imagine the look on his face, bored as I try to play catch up with the facts—which is hard to do when I'm being bombarded with them. "Come on, Kas, you've got to keep up with me here. Things are moving faster now, didn't you know? Things exist outside of Charlie and Fred—though why you're speaking to his punk ass I don't know."