Y

01: Missing Your Smile

01: Missing Your Smile

            There are several memories stapled to Charlie Allen, ranging from anger, jealousy and happiness. For a girl who prides herself on control, its devastatingly ironic how under the thumb I am when it comes to Charlie Allen, because we’re toxic together, burning away at the other until we’re nothing, setting alight our lungs and struggling to breathe as we continue through a path of destruction.

            It’s the strangest kind of relationship I had ever been in my entire life. Hanging off the edge when it came to him, diving off the cliff to experience the rush of emotions that I’d get with one look, or one smile. I find him simply intoxicating – in the worst and best way possible – if that is even fathomable.

            They say opposites attract, and two people alike are bad for each other, because they both have the same bad habits and nothing gets solved. We didn’t fit into any of those sayings, we were so different, and so similar at exactly the same time – a walking contradiction.

            With Charlie, I felt powerful. He gave me the feeling of empowerment; where I could go and do anything and just knowing he was there supporting me was enough for me to do it. I’ve never had someone like him in my life. It had always been rumoured that when the Allen brothers fell, they fell hard and fast and overbearing and overprotective. The Allen brothers, regardless of stipulation, knew how to appreciate something which many people weren’t gifted with.

            So maybe it was stupid of me to walk away from him and all the memories and the emotions that the two of us had already made, but I don’t like pressure and it was pressuring. I miss him terribly, but when it comes to walking past one another in the hallways, and I watch him laugh at something Fred has said, or entertain Amy Vancouver like he would actually sleep with her, I’m reminded that people can change like the flip of the hat.

            He continues to walk past me in the hallway, green eyes flickering to me, then through me, and then he’ll resume conversation with Fred, or even Skylar if he’s paying attention. Pretending not to miss someone is infinitely worse than openly missing someone.

            “You two were so hot together.” Caggie says from my side, chewing away on her strawberry flavoured gum incessantly louder than necessary. I love Caggie for her bluntness, but sometimes I find it plain rude.

            “Shut up,” I murmur, focusing on the end of the hallway and fighting the temptation of turning to look over my shoulder to see if Charlie is now taking his bag out of his locker, he puts it there in the morning because he doesn’t like dead weight. I really dislike how I remember small facts about a person I shouldn’t care about anymore. “You have a boyfriend.” I remind her of her two month relationship with Neeco, who goes to another school and I’ve met him thrice.

            “So,” Caggie’s big brown eyes roll behind thick black eyelashes. “Doesn’t mean I can’t tell you that you and Mr Allen are hot as anything together. I bet the sex must have been good.”

            I can’t stop my cheeks from flaming, thankfully not as bad with a tan. It’s nothing compared to the permanently flushed cheeks of the slightly overweight Zooey Baker who is in my Gym class and wears her kit beneath her normal clothes otherwise Amy Vancouver would poke fun at her rolls.

            “It was like, once.” I remind her. “I told you that.” In truth, after the losing-the-virginity escapade, Caggie had been on the other side of the phone in two rings whilst Charlie went to take a shower. I needed to know if the pain downstairs was normal, and if I was supposed to have felt like I’d been pushed off a mountain at the end of it.