One Last Day in This Life

Interrogate

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                      Part 1: "Interrogate"
          As I sat in the stiff, un-comfy office chair directly across from the 9th grade vice principal, I knew I'd somehow fucked up. I looked around making sure to avoid her gaze at all costs. "I'm sure you know why you're here" she said in the most unbelievably monotonous voice I think I've EVER heard. "Umm. No. Not really" I replied, voice cracking. suddenly her stone cold facial expression visibly softened.
"You're not in any trouble.." She said smiling a fake smile at me from across the desk- I myself know a lot about faking a smile, certainly enough to tell when someone happens to Be faking one, and this lady was DEFINITELY faking one. "You see, your teacher noticed marks across your wrist.." She continued. "You do understand that when a teacher notices things like this it is their duty to report it don't you?" I nodded slowly, my heart rate exploding. After about 30 seconds of awkward silence, she spoke again "I need to see your wrists".
Shit. Shit shit shit. SHIT!
What do I do? If I tell her that she can't see my arms then she'll know what I did, but if I show her my arms then she'll know what I did. there's NO WAY to hide now. I took a deep unsteady breath before shakily extending my arms out towards her, she took only a short glance, that's all anyone would NEED. the distinct red marks running across my wrist were a no-brainer sign to what I'd done. She just sighed. "What made you do this to yourself?" She quizzically asked: to which I responded with a brief shrug. Not that she was expecting me to answer and open up to her anyhow.
  The World seemed to be going by in a blurry, slow-motion manner. my heart felt as if it were going to beat it's way right out of my chest and into the disgusting school halls, as we walked from the vice principal's office towards guidance.
"Your grades look good" she said, attempting small talk.
someone's done their checking up on me haven't they? I sarcastically thought to myself nodding and giving her the biggest fake smile I could manage. She Probably read up on what the school knows about me before I made my way down to her office.
Butttt it's not like they know shit about me anyhow.
once we reached the guidance office, she lead me back through a maze of other small offices, until we finally reached the door of the 9th grade guidance counselor. Does everyone go to the freshman admin when dealing with self-harm? Or do they have no clue that I'm a junior?
She walked in with me following behind wishing to be literally anywhere but here.
"This is Samantha" she said I cringed at the use of my full first name, rolling my eyes with abandon to weather they saw and cared or not.
I ONLY go by Sam. nothing else, just Sam. "She's here because she has mysterious marks on her arms", she said attempting to subtly make slitting motions across her forearm, and silently mouthing something I can only I assume is her way of telling the guidance counsellor that it's a "classic self-harmer case". But obviously she totally failed at that, and I was to say the least Un-amused.
"So sweetie, what grade are you in?" The guidance counsellor, whom appeared to be maybe in her upper 40's-lower 50's asked.
Her voice lacked all emotion.
That's the first thought I had, the second thought being that these people sure had all the time in the world to check-up on my grades before I got here, and yet haven't any clue what grade I'm in.
"11th" I said as sweetly and innocently as possible, I mean maybe if I'm nice they won't call my mom right? (...wrong.) they looked confused (probably because I'm NOT a freshman and they are freshman administrators, gosh my teacher is a dumbass.) "Do you want us to take you over to the 11th grade guidance counsellor? Or.." Se began, me interrupting before she could continue, "No." I began coldly, "I've at least heard of you." I said turning down the offer to see the juniors new guidance counsellor who ominously seems to never exist. "Gee, I don't know whether to be flattered or offended," She remarked to which my only response was a look that told her she didn't want me to answer that.
"Can I see?" She asked motioning towards my arm. This time I held it out less cautiously than I had before. Time to fake it till' I make it.
"How did you get those?" She asked.
"My cat. I was playing with her with a short string and she got a little rough accidentally", I lied as if it were the most natural thing.
"Is your cat mean?" She quizzed on. "N-no," I began stumbling over my own words "it was just an accident, that's all." I continued trying my hardest to keep my composure.
"You see, I just don't buy that.." She started.
"So what did you use to do that to yourself?" She continued on. "I told you, my cat did it when I was playing around." I replied sounding quite agitated. "Was it.. a broken piece of glass?" Jesus Christ. A guessing game? Does she realize no matter how many guesses she makes I'm not going to tell her?? "Maybe even something simple, like a pen cap.." She continued. "Or maybe it was a blade? Or a knife" she said finally hitting her guess on the mark. The word echoed through my head a million times as she said it. Blade. I made no physical reaction to her words, instead I kept a straight face and continued to shake my head no, denying it all. I felt like a criminal in the middle of an intense interrogation. She continued on for only a little longer before finally appearing to give up. That's what I was hoping for. Even if she does call my mom she won't have any real answers to give her. Next she started asking me questions about my home life, followed by my school life and my relations with my friends. Although that's none of her business.
after a while of her endless questioning, I was getting real tired of this shit. She went to talk but I interrupted, "can I go back to class now?".
She tried to sound offended, "ohh someone's eager to get away from me hmm?" And if looks could kill she would've been long gone.
"I just want to go over a few things with you and take you to the nurse to have a closer look at them.. Then you may go." She said realizing how unamused I was to the whole situation. And then she began to ramble on and on. Me zoning out about how in the bloody hell the teacher saw in the first place. I was brought back to what was around me only when I heard her monotone voice say: "and you realize, when something like this is brought to our attention, we're required to call parents and inform the-" I again cut her off "no! Don't call my mom. Anything but that. That'll just make things worse. Whatever you do, just don't do that." I spoke loudly and in a rush. "Would you prefer me to call your dad" no way in hell. I'd prefer to call Satan himself over my dad. "No! Don't call him either! That's just-" I ran my hand through my hair in a frustrated manner, my mind racing. "I'm afraid theirs no buts about it, I'm going to have to give your mom a call." she said standing up and leading me out of her cramped office and towards the nurses office directly around the corner. she poked her head in the room and said something that I couldn't quite make out to the nurse before they motioned me to walk in.
"So I hear you have some mysterious cut marks on your wrists." The really bitchy looking lady said. "Lemme see." she said putting on those obnoxious latex gloves. As I extended my arm out she held it in place as she examined my cuts. "These certainly don't look like they could've been made by a cat" she commented.
That's cuz they weren't i thought and simply shrugged my shoulders, displaying the fucks I didn't give at this point.
These people have never been in my position, Ya know? And they don't even act like they give a shit, so why would I open up to them? After a couple more minutes and a brief conversation about how the school offers therapists that Come to the school during school hours, they finally sent me back to class, visibly upset and frustrated. upon returning to my class, my only friend in the class questioned me on what that was about. "they've found out." I said trying hard to keep myself from crying. "Nothing is going to be okay now, they're calling my mom as we speak I bet. And I just can't take it" and that was the truth. I couldn't handle any of this. it felt like the world around me was caving in right at my feet, and I was watching everything I knew crumble away into oblivion. "Oh my gosh! Are you ok?" He asked, I made a clearly unamused face, "do I look like I'm freaking ok?" I exclaimed. Instantly feeling bad for being so sassy towards him. Although, He was notorious for being annoying sometimes, he was still my friend and being that rude was wrong of me. "I-I'm sorry" I choked. I swear I am the worst friend anyone could have. "I didn't mean to go being all rude to you like that.." I said feeling awkward. "I know you didn't" He replied.. "And if you need someone to talk to about it, just let me know" he said giving me a brief smile. "Thanks" I lightly said before we both returned to complete silence. Not too long after, the teachers dismissed us to change out of our gym clothes And grab our books.
The rest of the school day passed by in a blur. In fifth period I received a frantic text from my mom "are you alright??" I took that to mean that the school had already called and I was terrified of the conversations lying ahead between me and her.  I'd almost rather end it all then have to deal with this new roadblock. I NEVER wanted her to find out about this.. Like EVER. Quickly I made the decision to ride the bus home. grabbing my stuff and running out of the classroom as soon as the bell rang for 5th period to end.
As I boarded the bus I sent my mom a text informing her that I was riding the bus home. And breathed a sigh of relief as the bus started moving. I blared music through my earbuds and stared off out the window until it came to my stop, when I quickly grabbed my stuff and got off the bus. as I walked up to my front door I searched for my house key, only to realize I didn't have it. So I again texted my mom to let her know I was gonna go to the park since I couldn't get in. walking around my mind was darker than it had ever been before. I wanted nothing more than to not exist in this moment. As I neared the green grass of the park I placed my bags down and sat at the base of a tree. I watched as birds flew around me and squirrels and rabbits scurried along. So peaceful. A kind of peaceful I had almost completely forgotten even existed. "It's kind of unfair" I thought to myself.. "How at peace the rest of the world seems to be while I'm consumed by literal hell." my thoughts were interrupted by my phone notifying me of a new text from my mom: it read "do you want me to have Judy pick you up?" To which I denied and said it was peaceful in the park. A few minutes later I had gotten bored with the park and decided to walk back to my house and sit in the front lawn until my mom or dad got home. But this only lasted a few minutes because before I knew it Mrs. Judy was parked in front of my house. I instantly stood up grabbed my things and walked over to her big red explorer with a smiley face antenna sticking off of it. I got in, it's just like my mom to do something even when I tell her it's fine and I really don't want her to do it. "Your mom told me you got stuck outside, and needed a ride.." She said. "Yeah" I kinda quietly replied. "You know you could've text me and I would've Come to get you!" She said smiling over at me. "I know, haha. But it was such a nice day and it was really peaceful outside anyhow" I replied. And then we returned to the most part quiet car ride back to her house.
after we got back to her house I put my headphones in and began working on my world history homework. Until my mom came to pick me up. My little sister was in the car, so we drove home in awkward silence. As soon as we got home I ran upstairs to my bedroom in hopes to hide away and avoid the conversation I knew was eventually going to happen. I opened my laptop and again started to do my homework. My mom knocked on my bedroom door and came in, "Sam, we need to have a talk" she said frustratedly, and crying "not right now! I have so much world history homework that I'm trying to get done" I replied not even sparing her a second glance. She broke down. "I got a call from your guidance counsellor.." She said wiping at the tears in her eyes. "I know." I simply replied in a voice colder than I intended. "They said, that they found some marks along your wrist, and although you said it was from the cat the guidance counsellor seemed very sure it wasn't. So, I need to see your wrist." I refused, telling her I didn't have time for this and that I had a lot of homework to get done tonight. "Ugh, I just don't know what to do, and I'm so scared Samantha, do you understand?"she chocked out crying harder than before. "Maybe we need to take you to the mental hospital, if you won't open up to me about it.",after a while of bickering about why I don't need to go to a mental hospital, She finally did a quick look around the room, picked up the harmless teasers that had been sitting on the windowsill from when I got a splinter earlier in the week, and took them with her. Less than five minutes later I received a text message from her, telling me about how she felt partially responsible because I felt I couldn't Come to her with stuff like this. and eventually I broke down and over text message basically told her almost everything. I didn't go into detail in fact I barely said much about it, but just enough to try and calm her down and let her know I was ok. And I laid awake thinking about the numerous ways that things would never be the same. Until I eventually passed out from exhaustion.
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