Silently Screaming

My Mistake

         I discovered I was gay three years ago. Yet I still have a crush on the same boy. His name is Eric and I think he's the most amazing human being to ever walk the earth. He's tall, a surfer, short blonde hair, blue eyes and a smile that just always melts my heart. For some reason my feelings for him had never died down, even though all of my friends would tell me that he was straight. I think the reason I've never given up on him is because I got to know him so much better then most people, we go to the same church, so we are in the same Youthgroup and we hang out all of the time. We play video games at his house, skii, and surf together and that's just a few things. I'm really glad that I get to see him so much in my everyday life. But really, I know nothing about him. Sure I might know his favorite video games or his hobbies, but what I really want to know are the important things like what's do you want to change about the world, or what in life is most important to you. And of course I realized this while I had finally gained the courage to write him a valentine. I was going to write it as a "friend" but after realizing my handicap I tore it up and threw it in the trash. I probably would have done it out of anxiety anyways. But I already had enough to worry about that Valentine's Day, because I was in honors choir (there's your stereotypical gay person) I was actually the only male in honors Choir, I also starred in our school musicals. But anyways each year the choir delivers the valentines while singing valentine songs. It honestly would have been the most embarrassing thing to have to give him the valentine I wrote him while singing with a bunch of girls behind me.  So I didn't. Liking someone that much had its ups and it's downs. But mostly downs I would constantly zone out of class daydreaming about him, whenever he would barely brush pass me I would freeze up and my cheeks would turn bright red, and there have been too many nights to count where I've just listened to depressing music sobbing because I'll know that we'll never be together. But sometimes I would picture myself in the most peaceful calming place ever, which is in laying next to Eric cuddling him and his arms around me. Whenever I could at least imagine us together my mind was soaring at the thought that it might be possible. That thought is what kept me going for those three painful years of feeling what I felt for him. But I knew that we were never going to get together, he's straight and I can make someone be something that they aren't. Even though know this I still refuse to give in to the truth, my heart will not let me. I never want to stop feeling for him because I'm afraid that of I do this amazing sensation that keeps me going will be gone, and I'll be empty and alone.