Silently Screaming

The End of the Cycle

       There's no way I'm going forget about Eric for no reason. Unfortunately I know a way to make myself want to forget about him, but it's going to hurt me a lot. The only way I can ever know for sure is by confessing my feelings to him. After deciding for sure what I'm going to do and planning it out, the right moment never seemed to occur. Except during late night bible study he was late so I went outside to wait for him.  He finally  came and he smiled at me. My heart was already breaking. I step in front of him. "Umm Eric," I began, "I have something really important to tell you," I whimpered. "I kinda sorta have this huge crush on this amazing sweet perfect person , and that person is a... Boy."
Eric looked very uncomfortable and I realized how stupid I must sound. I hesitated for a second, "and that person is You." I said grabbing his hands. He quickly pulls them away and hurriedly says some crap about how he won't judge me and that he's happy I'm coming out in the open, but that he could never even consider dating me. He runs inside shattering my heart leaving me alone outside. I stood their too stunned to move or even think. When I finally realized what had happened I fell to the ground sobbing trying to hide my shame. Screaming inside my head with multiple voices all hating myself for ever wanting to be with him, all remebering anytime that I had ever been hurt and putting it right back into my memory so that I could feel all of the pain I've ever had at once, and be full of self loathing just wishing I had kept my mouth shut. If only I had kept to myself and been quiet. Why can't I be normal why do I have to be my imperfect self. It sucks, it makes life unbearable... So I stumble home and fall on my bed still shuddering from my sudden burst of emotions. I go on my phone and delete anything having to do with him. Then I lay in the darkness shivering thinking about all of my mistakes that I have ever made in life. But then I See me in Eric's arms, I hear my brother say "I personally could see him swinging either way." And then I really hate myself because even after everything that happened I still loved him. And now whenever I think of him, against my will I force myself to picture a monster, instead of the boy who warmed my heart, because that's the only way I can get over him. And deep down inside I'm silently screaming that I love him. But I block it out because I know that if I try to love him again, if I re enter that cycle I'll only be hurting myself.