What If: He Died.

He Made Me Smile, Now It's Gone.

I hadn't been much of good company lately, but this shopping trip may just do a little good for me. Edward looked at her, "That's what we have hope that it will do, even if it's just for a little while." I knew he understood, twenty years later of his death I still feel like it was only yesterday. My angel was gone, the angel whom I met when I was sixteen  years old. I wished I had more time with him, but there'd never been enough time to spend with him. Forever was good. He was always so kind. So many people loved him, but he loved me, and he loved our children. I had faith in that. "You were all he thought about while at work, the minute he stepped through the door his thought was to find you and greet you, above us, above all. You were the one that he needed." 

I suppose so, I do remember vividly those times where he'd lose a patient, children got to him more than most. He was the most human of us all. Edward squeezed my hand and I faintly smiled, I needed to stop thinking about him. I have my interview for school tomorrow, I couldn't help but think that if Carlisle was here I'd still be gardening. "No, he wanted you to teach, Esme. You both made plans the year he died, when it all blew over, thinking we could get away with no one dying that he'd be a doctor and you would teach, do this for him. Move on." Edward encouraged me. I'll do the teaching bit, moving on just wasn't on the cards right this time. 

Edward, Bella and I arrived to the shopping mall where we immediately headed to the clothes stores, where I picked out a few clothes, and happened to come along the tie section, my body froze at a lilac colored tie, that was the color Carlisle wore on our wedding day. Bella came up behind me, "Esme, are you alright?"

I looked at her, and frowned, "Carlisle wore this color tie on our wedding day, so long ago." I looked back to it, "I'm sorry, I... just got overwhelmed with the memory of that day, and the love..." Bella hugged me, "I am sorry Esme, that I put your family in danger, that you lost Carlisle." 

I shushed her, "Bella, You, Renesmee are apart of this family; we knew what we were getting into. Carlisle of all people did know what he was doing when he saved Alice, even in his death, from Aro. He ensured our family stuck somewhat together, though it did break us with Jasper dying too. Don't ever blame yourself for my pain, I blame myself for not going with him."

Bella frowned, "Then our family would have nothing, but teenagers, no one to properly care for us." she spoke. "Edward had been worried that sometimes that was your intention, to follow him, and with Alice gone we had to be in limbo for you to tell us you were leaving to find death. We love you, we want you to stay." 

That's why I did stay, Carlisle would want me to carry on with the family, but he wasn't here, "I can never see him smile again, Bella. He was the reason I smiled, he's gone, it's gone. I just can't find a genuine smile," Bella shushed me, "I know Esme, I'm still sorry."

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We finished shopping, and I had returned to my cottage for some alone time, I stared at his picture yet again. "How will I get through all this, without you, my beloved?" I stared at him more, "Why won't I ever see your beautiful face again?" 

I went into my room, and curled on the bed with his journal, in twenty years I had not opened it, daring not to read what was his own personal private things, but I wanted to be close to him. I read the first page. It was a recent one from Bella's transition, I wouldn't be surprised if this was all he talked about it in it, but as I looked back down, I began to read...

'Since Bella's gotten pregnant, I can't help but think of how my dear, dear Esme is taking all this... I am too afraid to bring this up to her, after all her troubles with her child when she was human I do not want to remind her. I cannot bare to think of me being the cause of my angelic beauty being in pain, but I do wonder... what is my beloved feeling? Angry? Jealous? Betrayed? I can say now, if there was a chance a vampire could get a vampire pregnant in anyway, I'd take it. I can't say I don't feel any bitterness, because I do... The thoughts of this baby, that Bella had... makes me wonder what a baby with Esme would look like. Would they be blond haired? Would they have her green eyes, or would they have had my blue? I can say I've fantasized about this baby of ours for more than a decade with her, growing restless of just teenagers to be raised. Maybe once all this, will settle down and there won't be much of an issue with the baby, Bella's still in transformation... Esme is doting on the baby, I think she's beautiful. Edward is mostly worried about Bella, but he's being a fantastic father, already telling her the story of Elizabeth.