The song above is honestly sooo good and I feel it fits really well with the poem :)
*****
I had an epiphany,
I had an epiphany as I sat in a dark grey couch,
With those of my own blood surrounding me,
The room was filled with the swift buzz of conversation
Or the slurping sound of caffeine sliding into their system
Or the soft snores of those who allowed Hypnos to drag them under.
I saw the bubble that surrounded their cozy, familiar, family life
But I watched from the outside. I saw how their life would drone on without me.
I knew they would miss me, i knew they would shed tears over my lost life, but I knew that their life wouldn't change without me.
They would still chat and drink and sleep like they always did, because they didn't need me.
I saw it all,
I saw it all as I lay in a light blue bed,
With long unopened books surrounding me,
The room was filled with the same silence that filled my heart,
Or the gentle swish of the wind knocking slightly at my window
Or the screeching voices that tormented a lost conscience.
I saw the fissure that cracked my soul second by second.
But I saw it all from an outsider's perspective
Because I knew that I wasn't myself anymore, I knew that the Tessa that giggled away in class wasn't the real Tessa, I knew that I lost my head and there was no finding it.
And that's when I saw that I had to do this. I had to be selfish and forget about others and take these pills to make myself feel better for once.
I realized,
I realized as I lay in a hot, white room,
With nothing but machines and blinding white tiles surrounding me,
The room was filled with a constant, steady beat
Or the ragged breaths that tore my lungs apart,
Or heavy footsteps that made their way towards me.
I saw from the window traffic lights flashing and I knew that even though my life had stopped, everyone else's continued.
I knew, as I felt the blood soaring my veins that I was alive. I was so alive.
And I hated it.
Suddenly voices surrounded me, and I heard my mother's voice screech:
"My baby! Thank God you saved my baby!"
And all I could say with a broken tone that reflected my broken heart was:
"But don't you see that I didn't want to be saved?"
