LOST (Louis Tomlinson fanfic)

LOST ***12

It tore my heart into pieces when she started to cry. The tears that slowly fell down her cheeks were like knives that gently yet painfully slice down my heart.

"I shouldn't be crying." she pushed my hand away and wiped the tears herself. "I honestly thought you were dead and I think it'd be my fault if you were."

From the looks of it, she's the second person who cried over thinking that I was dead meat. It's like I'm having a conversation with my Mom when I had my surgery all over again. Although she is completely different from my mother and this was a completely different situation, I still made her cry. And I could see how she felt about the issue. She expressed how worried and concerned she is by shedding immeasurable tears for nothing. And she would even blame herself if I died out cold in the middle of nowhere.

"Hey." I said in a cautious yet gentle voice "Look. I'm fine. I'm not dead." and placed a hand on her shoulder, thinking it would stop her from crying.

"I know you're fine but that's not the case." she turned so that only her back was facing me as she took small steps away from me, my hand hanging loose in the air.

"Where are you going?" I jogged past her and stood still to block her way.

"I told you. I'm leaving." she said with a cold tone, her eyes darting to one side refusing to meet mine.

"Wait." I grabbed a handful of her forearm as she made a move to walk away. 

Even with all the liquor running in my bloodstream, I tried so hard to think straight and it's taking so much effort out of me. I don't want her to leave, not now, not ever. But that's just the selfishness in me talking. Of course she has to go, she has to continue life even without me. Every word slipping out of my mouth is half-meant. I know why she doesn't want me to come with her. I know she's been a little bit of a burden to me. I know exactly why she's acting like this. And I know perfectly well it's because of the fact that she's about to leave. 

She tried so hard to blink back the tears "No Louis." she mumbled and peeled off my fingers one by one but I stubbornly didn't take them off.

She sighed audibly along with rearranging her hair by brushing it with her hand. I searched her face for anything, although she was still looking away, but all I could see was frustration, as if she's getting tired of dealing with me and my stubborn ways.

She closed her eyes and concentrated until my grip on her arm loosened. I wasn't holding her anymore. She's just like a form of mist to my touch. No matter how much I try to grab her, I couldn't. She just keeps dissolving like vapor. My hand would just pass right through her as her form shimmered. How could she do this to me? I'm all she has.

"You have to stop now Louis." she warned sternly, but I didn't do what she said. I tried and tried until finally, I gave up, hesitantly lowering my hand.

How can I stop her when I can't establish a hold on her? She's being unreasonable right now and I can't deal with her like this. She's making this really hard for me. It's hard to just let her go, thinking that she might never come back at all. She's giving me a massive headache.

"You can't do this Heidi." I said, looking straight into her unmoving eyes, but she kept her distance. 

"What Louis? What can't I do huh?!" her tone was now with a trace of impatience it struck me like firewood that scorched my ear.

"You can't..." I was supposed to say 'leave', but I really don't have any valid reason if I were to stop her. My eyes fell to the ground helplessly, not knowing what else to do besides staying quiet. Uncomfortably quiet for my own liking.