Seijin: A Coming of Age Love Story [girl x girl]

Chapter 7

The house was dark when I returned home, my clothes reeking of grill smoke and beer. I had excused myself quietly at Harajuku Station, unable to look Kurumi in the eye. The others were in the process of deciding which karaoke place to go to next, and Sakai invited me to come along, but I had never stayed out all night before, and I wanted to make last train no matter what. Kuma had patted me firmly on the shoulder, but Kurumi barely glanced my way. Hurt, I headed home.

    Last train was always packed, especially on Friday nights, and the train smelled so strongly of alcohol that it made me a little dizzy. A drunken salaryman swayed where he stood in front of the train doors, everyone keeping as much distance as they could in case the constant rocking of the train proved too much for his stomach. But I barely registered the shoulders pressed against mine. I was too preoccupied with the memory of Kurumi's warm, soft lips. I had not yet begun to understand why she had kissed me; it was overwhelming enough to just comprehend that the kiss had even happened at all. Briefly, I glanced around at the faces around me, all turned down towards phone screens and books, and wondered if they could tell what sort of evening I had had.

    I half expected to find my mother waiting for me when I returned, but she was fast asleep in her bedroom. The clock in the living room ticked away, its rhythmic tick-tock echoing through the house. Tadaima, I opened my mouth to whisper, but no sound came out. I wanted to be alone for just a moment longer.

    Using my phone as a flashlight, I shone it around the hallway. The door to the storage room was cracked open, and I could see my brother's face reflected through the darkness. Though he was just a child, his gaze seemed to pierce my skin and go straight into my thoughts, and I shivered.

    Part of me wanted to shower and rinse the smell of smoke out of my hair, but the rest of me was afraid that I would also wash away the feel of Kurumi's fingers on my arm, my waist, my face. Her touch lingered, and as I crawled into bed, I closed my eyes and focused on the sensation. I could take a bath tomorrow.

    I fell asleep with my phone in my hand, but it sat so still and blank that it might as well have been off. I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, to cut her some slack, but it drove me crazy. How could she not reach out to me at all? Not even to check in that I made it home okay? The longer I waited, the longer I wondered if I had imagined the kiss completely.

    That is, until my phone buzzed later that afternoon.

    I was lying on the floor of my bedroom, reading a book. When my phone buzzed once, I ignored it, assuming it was a text from Naho or Satsuki, or maybe even just spam. But then it kept buzzing -- someone was calling. Dropping my book, I scrambled onto my knees and snatched my phone from my desk. Kurumi's name flashed in small, pixelated characters.

    "Hello?" I answered the phone, my mouth feeling dry.

    "Hi, Juri-chan." Kurumi's voice was even deeper and scratchier over the phone, and so incredibly soft. A shiver tickled the back of my neck. "I'm not interrupting anything, am I?"

    "No, I was just reading a book," I responded, my voice sounding unnaturally high in my own ears.

    "Whatcha reading? For school?"

    "No, just for me. Watashi wo Hanasanaide by Kazuo Ishiguro."

    "Ishiguro? Haven't heard of him."

    "He's British. The original title is 'Never Let Me Go'."

    "I don't think I've ever heard you speak English before."

    I blushed despite myself. "That hardly counts."

    "Sounded good to me."

    I was silent for a moment. "How are you feeling, Kurumi-san? Did you get home okay?"

    "Oh, yeah, I have a bit of a hangover, but I'm young. Not my first hangover and won't be my last. Took a nap at McDonald's before first train, that helped."

    "Hmmm."

    "Look, Juri-chan," Kurumi spoke after a moment, her voice even softer in my ear. "Thanks for putting up with my friends last night. I hope they didn't say anything to upset you?"

    "I liked them," I responded, though I could still remember Tsuru's mocking laughter. "I just..." My voice trailed off.

    "Just what?"

    "No, nevermind. It's nothing."

    "Juri-chan, tell me."

    "I wish you had told me."

    "Told you what?"

    I took a deep breath and tried to choose my words carefully. "I don't know. I wish you'd told me it was your birthday. I wish you'd told me Kurumi isn't your real name."

    The silence on the other side felt physical and forceful against my ear. "Who told you about that?" she murmured.

    "Sakai-san," I answered nervously.

    "Ah, yeah, of course he would. He loves bringing that up."

    "Kurumi-san?"

    "...Yeah?"

    "I'm not mad. I just... wish I'd heard it from you."

    "I'm... sorry." The apology felt unnatural even to me. I didn't get the feeling that she was particularly used to apologizing, not sincerely at least.

    I gripped my phone tighter and pulled my knees to my chest. "Why did you call, Kurumi-san?"

    "Can't I call to check in with my friend?" Her voice was humorous and playful but I could tell she was uncomfortable. She always joked when she was uncomfortable.

    "Kurumi-san."

    "Juri-chan, I..." her voice trailed off, there was a brief silence, and then she cleared her throat. I listened carefully to every crackle and sigh. "I shouldn't have done that last night."

    She meant the kiss. My stomach suddenly felt heavy, like it was trying to drag me through the floor. "...Oh," was all I could get out.

    "I got caught up in the moment and I was... I was drunk. I should have known better." Her laughter made my ears ring. "I didn't want you to find out that way, but I guess you know now! That's the kind of person I am."

    The kind of person. The kind of person who kissed girls, she meant. The kind of person who kissed girls not because she was confused or lonely or curious, but because she wanted to with all of the confidence of an adult. I thought of the way she held my hand in hers. It was not tentative or unsure. She knew what she was doing. She had done it before. All of a sudden, I felt like an incredible child.

    "Why didn't you tell me?" I asked, tears welling up despite my attempts to stay composed. I wasn't even sure why I was crying in the first place. Was this confession really so terrible?

    "I don't know," she sighed. "You never asked?"

    Satsuki appeared in my mind. The way he had soured so suddenly when Naho had joked about my crush on Kurumi. It had been so jarringly hostile. What if I had been Kurumi, and Satsuki had been me? The brief idea scared me.

    Kurumi's voice had become small and hesitant. "Please, forget about last night. It won't happen again. I promise."

    I didn't pay attention to the rest of the conversation. Whatever it was, it was short and perfunctory, a few smalltalk questions swapped to alleviate the awkwardness. But once we hung up, I couldn't remember a single thing that she had said after that. I felt as if my heart had been wrenched out of place, and my thoughts were too much of a jumble for me to understand why. Did I really want to date Kurumi? The idea was too foreign and new, I couldn't imagine it. But at the same time, I hated the idea of completely platonic friendship. Would I flippantly tell her I loved her like I did with Naho? Would I tell her about the new boy I liked? That too felt wrong, but in a different way. Not that it mattered. She had firmly shut the door to the possibility of anything more than what we already had, and that made me so incredibly sad.

    I buried my face in my arms and cried.