hi!
we thought our readers and followers should know our stories and why we created this project!!
this might be a bit triggering, idk.
okay, so as i said in my intro, i have bipolar depression and anxiety. also, my family is problematic to say the least.
my anxiety is very bad. i get at least three panic attacks a week, and usually about two major ones a month. usually they happen when i'm left alone, or when i'm in a very large room with not many people or much stuff. these situations make me feel very small.
also, with the major panic attacks usually comes self harm. this is not something i like to talk about, but i'm willing to for now. i never do a lot, just usually about two or three and they're not deep at all. the most i've ever done at once is six.
my family is quite something, i tell you that. my mom i don't have a problem with, it's just my dad. i wrote a chapter about him once in one of my rant books and now i'll just copy and paste that because im too lazy to write out the story again (oops)
he always said we had a problem with money. he always said he couldn't get us things, even though we knew he could easily get it. but i was little, so i didn't know the difference. as we got older, he got worse about it. we moved around a lot. thankfully, i had a stable place i could call home with my mom. but these places he took us were not homes. they were houses. then he got a girlfriend. her name was amy. she was the meanest woman i'd ever met. she made my sister very, very depressed. natalie had to go to counseling for it. then dad had a kid with amy. he didn't mention it or ask us if we'd be okay with it. he just said, "oh, by the way, you're having a little brother." i was so upset. it was even worse on natalie. now i have a five year old brother, cooper, but i still wish it was just me, dad, and natalie. like it was. eventually, dad left amy for the sake of natalie's and my mental health. we moved again. a lot of places. then dad got another girlfriend. her name is sara. my sister met her once while i was at a friend's. she said she was nice, but she had annoying sons. i eventually met sara, and she seemed kinda perky but i didn't mind. and natalie was right; her sons were annoying as hell. after she went home, my dad dropped the bomb. "we're moving in with sara." i had met her once. we had never been to her house before. and then we had to move in. thanks for the heads up, dad. we moved in, and we live there currently. my sister and i share a room. dad and sara are now engaged. i'm okay with that, i like sara. but she makes me nervous. i feel like she's too nice and she'll turn into a witch as soon as she marries dad. i don't know. anyway, dad got into an accident. he had to get surgery. i don't talk to him unless i have to, because i hate what he says when i do. but when he got into the accident, it was ten times worse. he texted and called me all the time, saying raygan, why don't you talk to me anymore? raygan, what's wrong? raygan, i feel abandoned. i want to say, i don't talk to you anymore because you make me feel terrible about myself. you asking what's wrong is wrong. don't you think i've felt abandoned for years? he did this, times ten million. it made me feel like shit. i felt like the worst person in the world. he also recently stopped working at the fire station he worked at. whether he quit or was canned, i don't know. i know he sugarcoated the story when he told us. he has a new job that pays a lot better and also only gives him a little availability to see us so i don't have to see him as often. but he texts and calls me more often now, making me feel even worse. i feel worthless. i feel like a bitch. i feel disgusting.
this is where i am right now.
i think my dad is a fucking dick.
i don't want to talk to him at all anymore.
but he's my dad.
he's the one whose lap i sat on to watch movies, he's the one who took me on vacation to colorado every year, he's the one who baked me cookies for breakfast when we were out of eggs.
[from the (after)life of the party]
but yeah
he made me feel abandoned and worthless
that story was only scratching the surface, because i didn't want to talk about the worst parts, and i don't think i'm ready even now to talk about the worst parts if that's okay.
feeling abandoned only made me sadder and sadder until i felt like i just wanted to die. i cut myself during this time a lot more often, and i was stressed, tired, and sick of everything.
i was seriously thinking of killing myself, but i couldn't bring myself to do it. then i saw it as cowardly, but now i think it was the most brave decision i've ever made in my life. that's why i'm here today, at project brio, to help others who feel abandoned and worthless, and those who are seriously thinking about suicide. this was one of the worst times in my life, and i never want anyone to have to go through it.
i think it'd be amazing to be the one that you come to when you need help. i think it'd be amazing to make new friends. i think you're all
amazing and ilysfm.
thank you for reading!
you can message me anytime, through my kik (@telhesani), main acc (trainunderwater ), or even my google hangouts (rayganballew@gmail.com)
pls don't be afraid to message any one of us
we're all here for you <3
lots of love,
raygan/riley xx
