I haven't really told anyone these things, (easily triggered please beware)
I have really been struggling with my depression and anxiety a lot lately and a lot before. Sixth and seventh grade were very tough for me because I downright hated myself.
I constantly wanted to die, and I almost tried to kill myself over the summer a few years ago. I was being bullied online by some people I thought were my friends, I was being pushed down and thrown around like some rag doll.
and then in sixth grade I was made fun of because I had acne and because I was ugly. I was told by a bunch of people to get some meds and get some cream you look disgusting.
honestly, I hated myself more than ever because I was told by others that I was hated.
and not that long ago, I felt the same way,
the little teasing had stopped over the summer, but then I started to feel anxious, I would start to shake and my teeth would clatter and I would constantly feel on the brink of tears, I was constantly stressed out about the littlest things, for months I would just go home and cry.
I tried to take my own life in the first few weeks of seventh grade, if you were to ask me why I probably would've just said, "cause"
after I started feeling very depressed I decided that the best way to take out the feelings would be physical (never ever do that because darling that is not the right answer okay?)
I would scratch myself along my chest area were no one would see, I still have the scars now, and I would hit myself or smash something on myself.
then after a while of this I learned I was pansexual,
I didn't like this term for a very long time to be completely honest, I felt like everyone who was like me was wrong. I read up about it and discovered that most pansexual people are made fun of by other lgbtq+ members. that started to make me even more anxious because I felt I didn't belong, that my sexuality wasn't right that I was bad because I wasn't bisexual.
but now I know I'm not.
I've never shared what I was constantly going through with others, I still don't, I am honestly feeling as much anxiety and as much sadness or nothingness as I did then.
but now, this might sound stupid, but I have this band I listen to. you probably have heard of them, it's twenty one pilots.
I can guarantee that without their music I wouldn't be writing this right now, they have helped me through everything.
please stay strong everyone, don't do what I did, please talk to someone, even if it's just little old me. I love all of you,
x Maddie x
