Little Lights in my Heart - phan

Things He Never Did - companion peice

The companion piece to Little Lights in my Heart following Phil’s story set to another song by passenger – things you’ve never done.

 ~~

When you were younger
Blue eyed boy wonder
Always used to ponder
On what life may hide.

Now that you're older
The nights are so much colder
Never even told him
How you feel inside.

These were the words Phil Lester spoke aloud to himself one winter’s night; alone in his small living room at the very top of the block of flats.

You were so proud
With your head up in the white clouds
 

Regret is a cruel emotion. It’s the possibilities that could have been that cause the ache deep inside. The knowledge that all he had to do was reach out, but Phil had let Dan Howell slip through his fingers and now he was alone with only his regret for company.

Now that you're wiser
You'd never compromise him
Ever day you'd realise him
But this bird has flown.

It was the kiss that sealed it. Something as simple and sweet and innocent as a first kiss lit so many lights until it was as if they were entwined in a halo. It was so different. Not like in the stories or the songs, just happier. Warmer. Completely comfortable.

Most of the time when Phil kissed girls he was tense; trying to make sure he was doing it right and utterly self conscious. Figuring out at what point he was supposed to move his hands and where to. Wondering endlessly if it was rude to come up for air or stop to flick his hair out of his eyes.

But with Dan it was different; they had laughed through the kiss and smiled at each other with light in their eyes. Phil had got a crick in his neck and pulled away without even thinking because he knew Dan would understand and move for him. He knew there was no awkwardness between them.

~

Phil asked a friend one day, what it was like to be in love. It’s like an intense friendship and complete security. But it’s different for everyone and sometimes it’s not clear straight away, not until they’re gone and you realised how much you miss.

He frowned and was silent for a while, staring at the ground with his bottom lip between his teeth. What about sex? He’d asked. Is it endlessly perfect and utterly passionate? Is it really so romantic?

Jack had furrowed his brow and looked him straight in the eye.

“Mate,” He’d said, “if you can’t laugh during sex you’re not doing it with the right person. It’s not really romantic; it usually goes wrong anyway - especially if you’re being adventurous. Or sometimes you slip out or fall over or whatever and you laugh and you smile and that’s okay and I think that’s love. At least it is for me.”

Phil remembers the way Dan had moved his hand to reassure him. He remembers the way Dan smiled when they stopped to readjust.

He remembers Dan’s smile.

And you've blown out all your candles one by one
And you curse yourself for things you've never done.

Regret is a cruel emotion.

~

Phil remembers his first girlfriend: Charlotte; with her chocolate brown hair and periwinkle blue eyes. She was like something out of a movie, quiet and shy yet stunningly beautiful as the sheet of dark hair fell over her eyes casting her pale face into shadow. Phil had been dizzy with success when she’d said yes – she was perfect, a million guys would kill for the taste of her lips. And Phil wanted to make sure he was everything she deserved. He bought her flowers, took her to the movies and kissed her under lampposts. They went for long walks in the parks and finally he took her back to his house and up to his bedroom and tried to kiss her again but it was wooden, systematic and emotionless. Every touch was carefully measured, each kiss planted with pinpoint accuracy. But as she lay vulnerable on the bed she looked up at him through wide eyes with a furrow between her brows. An uncertainty in her eyes. And he looked down and bit his lip.