"when did it start?" harry asked hoping to start a conversation. niall thought if he could trust harry or not. i mean he did save me from alex. "9 months ago." niall put his head down in shame. harry hated seeing niall liked this; so broken and vulnerable, yet he still looked cute to harry. harry didnt know what to say so he kept quiet.
"you know, i thought that after my failed attempt no one cared anymore so i tried again and again but i always ended up alive." niall muttered quietly. might as well come clean now, niall thought. a stray tear streamed down harrys cheek as he thought about what niall had just said. he did it more that once? harry mentally asked niall. "i acted like i was always happy around you guys while inside i was dying," niall paused, "there was always a voice in the back of my head talking about me. i couldnt stand what it was saying since it hit a nerve, so i chose to get rid of it along with the world." niall finished. he didnt realise that he was crying until harry wiped his tear stained cheeks that matched his.
"i didnt mean to hurt anyone. i thought i did you guys a favour of getting rid of a burden." niall added. harry lifted nialls head so he was looking directly in his eyes. "niall we did love you, hell we still do! its just the fact that you didnt think of us before you did it. as for you parents, i- i- im sorry i dont know if they still love you." harry whispered the last part. "of course they dont love me harry, im a burden! a mistake! a stupid ignorant suicidal freak! i dont understand why you care, no one ever did, even before i tried suicide. my parents loved greg more than me before, now they dont love me at all. whenever i was around you guys you barley included me in conversations, never invited me to anything, so i thought it was pointless. having friends that dont include you in anything, parents that dont give a fuck if i died, i just simply quickened my death." niall said.
harry never thought of it like that. yeah, he and the boys barley talked to niall but, couldnt he trust them enough to tell them the truth? now thinking about it, harry did seem like a terrible boyfriend. niall noticed harrys frown, "its not your fault, it never was. you were an amazing boyfriend, i wasnt. i was too confined in my own thoughts that i never thought of the reaction i would get. they told me that telling you would make the relationship come to an end and if i told the boys, they wouldve just left me." niall finished his little speech.
harry was dumbstruck. harry needed time to think. he got up and left leaving niall in his vulnerable state. "i knew this was bound to happen. stupid, stupid niall! always ending up broken and alone." niall told himself as he heard a door slam shut.
that night niall cried all night, not getting any sleep. something he promised he wouldnt let happen again, happened. niall got up tired of everything. he walked downstairs as if he were a zombie. niall finally arrived to his destination; the kitchen. he sat on a stool and took out a notepad and pen.
to whoever finds me,
tell everyone i love them, even my parents. i really was a burden wasnt i? im sorry i always ended up alive. i didnt mean to hurt anyone. now i wont ever do that again seeing as this is the last time youll hear from me- actually read- just tell everyone that i will be watching over them, tell harry i never stopped loving him and that the cuts on my thighs,stomach and wrists were all the times i tried to get back to him. tell my parents and greg that i never meant to be a mistake, i never meant to get in the way of greg. finally, tell liam,louis and zayn that i tried my hardest to be happy around them when all i ever wanted was to crawl to a corner and cry my eyes out.
thank you for your time,
niall horan
niall put down the pen and took out his phone immediately opening the messages app. he scrolled through his contacts as he reached his parents and mates phone number, saying a quick 'i love you' and 'goodbye' as if they would ever read them. and lastly, niall opened up his and harrys conversation. niall typed with tears flowing down his face, but he didnt care, this was the last time anyone would hear from him anyways.
niall: im sorry for bothering you and interrupting your life. im sorry for everything i did. im sorry for making your life more difficult with me in it. and im sorry for meeting you. if i hadnt met you then you wouldnt love me and you couldve lived a nice and happy future with liam. im so sorry for messing everything up. so im here just to let you know that thats not going to happen again. thank you for all youve done, making sure i was okay and saving me from jeff, you dont have to do that anymore. so, goodbye i love you harry xxx
niall wiped all the tears away from the phone and hit send. he proceeded on with what he was doing and opened the drawer that contained all of the sharpest and biggest knifes. he pulled out the biggest and sharpest, holding it firmly with both hands. he didnt want to cause anymore trouble that he already caused. "goodbye everyone. i love you all." niall whispered before stabbing himself. he didnt cry out in pain, instead he took it out and jabbed it back in. i hope no one finds me too early and with that last thought running through nialls head, he jabbed the knife one more time before falling into a pit of darkness.
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so a longer chapter than normal. i nearly cried typing this.
anyway hope youre enjoying this and dont worry this isnt the end ;-) just a filler actually.
all the love,
jess xx
