Musings & Philosophies

The Fear, Part Two

Whenever I had to do a paper about fears or phobias and the like, I'd always come back to the same two things: powerlessness, and abandonment.  These are not at all my greatest fear.

My single overarching thing that I fear even more than death is forgetting.  Amnesia.  Over the last twelve years, I've talked with thousands upon thousands of people, from games to websites to facebook, and I remember so much of it.  I remember helping people through tough times.  I've given roughly $465 away in total, never expecting it to be returned.  I just turned 18 this last September.  I've been a long-distance therapist, doctor, relationship consultant.  I've helped people through deaths, I've prevented suicides.  All this time, all of the horribly fucked up things I've seen and done my best to help with, the one thing I still really truly fear is forgetting.  I fear forgetting about my first friends I really had in real life.  I fear forgetting about the first guild I joined in a video game.  I fear forgetting the hundreds of people I still know and talk to today from years ago.

Over all that time, there's been six people who I truly believe to be dead now.  Who I couldn't eventually help.  Who committed suicide, who were killed, who just gave up and drank themselves into a coma.  Until today.  One of those six contacted me today, and it hit me hard.  I talked with them for a while, I'm sure it was them, and worst of all, they don't remember me.  They've made so, so many horrible decisions in life.  Pumped themselves full of countless drugs, drank themselves nearly to death multiple times, and they don't remember me except for knowing the knew me.  I met them years ago, they were one of the best friends I've ever had.  We knew each others' souls.  There were plenty of times where we wouldn't even talk, just look at each other, and it was like we'd had a whole conversation in just that look.  And until a few minutes ago, it looked like I might be able to keep talking to them.  In reference, they contacted me an hour and a half ago.  They said goodbye with the promise of 'not contacting me again to keep the past the past' about half an hour ago.  They'd forgotten me completely.  I fear that.  I fear forgetting someone like that.  I fear forgetting anyone like that.  Memories, experiences, they're what make us who we are.  There's been so many times where I've considered writing myself a note for if I ever had such a loss.  The note would've been my signature at the top, a command to kill myself if I couldn't remember writing the note, and my signature at the bottom.

I've had my dark days.  I've seen horrible things.  I've been the only witness to hundreds of crimes against the innocent, powerless to do a damn thing for them not being in the US.  It's shaped me.  My memories, good and bad, have shaped me.  I remember hearing laughter from the depressed.  I remember seeing the smile of a deaf girl on her birthday when I showed her that I had learned to sign her favorite song from before her hearing was taken from her by an IED.  I've been a lifeline for a combat vet from Florida that'd lost his legs, and still being there for him when he'd taken up piano, proud of his newfound talent.  All of these things, they helped make me who I am today.  They've shown me how good I have it, and I don't want to forget that perspective.  I don't want to lose who I am.

I'm not scared of losing myself.  I'm scared of losing all of what came before, all of what shaped me into who I am.  A cast is meaningless without something to fill it with.