Musings & Philosophies

The Confession

I often write about the big philosophical stuff, but really, I'm just like everyone else.  I experience fear, joy, pain, anger, all the usual goodies.  I have my strengths and weaknesses, those I admire and those I despise.  I have my flaws.  I've been feeling a little drained since attending a social event yesterday, and really, that's made me think for a little bit.  Usually, I'm an outgoing person.  I'll bounce from conversation to conversation, talk to random strangers, the usual extrovert.  I went to this ball thing and even though I knew plenty of the people there, I was incredibly uncomfortable.  I felt shut down, closed off, and it really unsettled me.

I wanted to write about a big realization I had a few minutes ago before I first started writing this addition, and it really helps to see it in words in front of me, helps me better comprehend my own thoughts, helps me further develop them.  I've never really been able to plan things all that well.  Outlines, brainstorming, they really don't help me that much.  I'm not very good with developing my own ideas.  Even when I write for these little chapters, I don't really know where they'll end up taking me.  I don't know if it's related to my aphantasia or what, but it's really had an impact on how I write.  I've always just started with a topic and let myself go from there.  Like my thoughts, I don't really control things, I'm just along for the ride.

I've never really been able to draw.  I've always been inept at visual arts.  A specific point I feel I need to say is that I actively tried to learn how to draw for nine years, with absolutely no progress outside of learning some vocabulary.  I'm okay when it comes to music, but the only true predilection I've had is for literature.  I read and read and read as much as I could up until about 7th grade, when I met some of the most inspirational friends I'd had at the time, Becky and Matt.  I really think they're the ones that helped me open up to being social, to talking to people instead of reading.  They're the ones that taught me that stories are more than what's being read, that people have stories other than the ones they write.  Like most other things, I dived in with total disregard for my utter lack of prior knowledge.  I learned by mistakes and successes, smiles and glares.  I know that not everyone learns the same, but sometimes it helps try approach problems from a different angle, because really, that's what makes us better.

You can't solve a problem until you admit there is one.