five years later.
Years ago, I was normal. Normal like any person living. I had friends, a beautiful family, control- You never realize how much you take these things for granted until you lose them. Life before meant nothing. It meant nothing more than a responsibility that we feebly cling to- unaware of the fate that could approach us and take everything. We breathe in, we breathe out, without the knowledge that that could be the last breath of a perfect life.
It could happen to anyone- but it had to happen to me. It washed over me like a tidal wave, leaving me with little but a troublesome conscience. The moral of the story, in this context is - you never realize what you have until it's gone. In my case, it was happiness. I lived in a dark realm, trapped by the demons in my head, and the wishes to gain meaning.
But I realized I had never known true happiness. Not until I felt the miniscule life stirring inside of me. At first I was afraid. Afraid of this responsibility. It took me two years of persuasion until I decided it was time to start our family.
The scars of lunacy have been patched up; the scars have remained unopened. When I wake up in the morning next to the love of my life, I forget everything that troubles me. Nothing else matters. I find a safe haven with Patrick. I always tried to run from my problems, but without realizing he was my solution.
He's all I need.
And now, I sit cross legged on the porch of our new house, watching my daughter chase Tyler and Josh's son around with a hose. The spring air is comforting after a long winter.
There's nowhere else I'd prefer to be right now. Nothing compares to a parents' love, nor is anything stronger.
"Margo, Lucas, do you want burgers or hotdogs?" Patrick calls, pressing a spatula over the small grill, spitting smoke up into the trees and filling the air with the mouthwatering aroma of barbecue.
"Burgers!" they shouted in unison, giggling after.
"Lucas, are you sure that's not too much for ya?" Tyler asked, handing a glass of lemonade to Josh and taking a seat next to me on the porch.
"Noo. I'm hungry."
"He can handle it," Josh assured him.
We sat down under the umbrella to blot out the pesty rays of the afternoon sun.
It felt great to be around friends again. After I left the hospital, Tyler and I went our separate ways. He went back to Ohio with Josh while I stayed in L.A. with Patrick. A year later, I became pregnant with Margo. Somehow the news got out (I assume Patrick posted something on Twitter), and Tyler and Josh traveled all the way back to visit and congratulate me, as well as share they news that they were adopting. They had just filed the applications. I was so happy for them both, for Tyler especially. He had finally earned his life back, and he was happy.
I was happy too. Walking into the living room to see Patrick reading stories to Margo in silly voices only filled me with bliss. I never would have thought I would experience this happiness, nor did I think I would be happy again.
I still have moments. The callous pain still burdens me sometimes. But having a family has changed these circumstances. I don't have to worry anymore. I see a therapist twice a week and am on daily medications. After my experience at Cedar Hill, I didn't want anything to do with therapy. But Patrick convinced me that it was time to think of the long term effects on our family. I decided he was right. I wanted to be a good person, a good mother, a good wife.
The numbness, the pain; it has faltered. The journey was long and treacherous, but the chase was well worth the prize.
the end.
-
yes, this is the end. and I would be lying if i said i didnt cry a little while writing this. thank you all so, so much for making this book a success. thank you for supporting me, for voting, for commenting. you guys are all so amazing.
goodnight.
-liesl
