Workaholics: Day-to-Day Stories of the Dysfunctional Workplace

1. Doggy Style

Back when I was a young and naive 16 year old, I started volunteering at my local humane society. Now when I saw naive, I mean my mind had yet to be cluttered with "that's what she said" jokes from The Office, and the corruption from teenage girl sleepovers still hadn't infected my thoughts. (Ladies, you know what I mean. Games like Never Have I Ever and Truth or Dare can get real dirty, real fast). There I was; wide eyed and innocent. 

I bounced around from kennel to kennel giving my attention to as many dogs as could because they need all the love they can get. I did my usual rounds by saying hi to all the animals and throwing handfuls of treats in the cages when the staff weren't watching. On this particular day, I had an older gentleman making comments about how he could tell I really cared for these critters. Happy that my love was showing through, I let my guard down. Big mistake.

He was just your average older man. A little lonely and just wanted to chat with anyone who would listen. Average old man, except for the fact that it was very apparent the light had dimmed up in the attic. The crazy buzzed around him causing his gray hair to stand on end in every direction, and his eyes would dart around trying to pinpoint every little sound in the room. His nutty vibe traveled with him and it infested each and every room he entered. Not like a plague or a virus, but more like a parasite. It was there, but you could survive no problem only suffering from a little discomfort.

As I moved throughout the shelter, the 60 year old made followed without saying much. Only asking me for more treats when he ran out. When I began filling the water bowl in a husky's kennel I heard him yell, "I used to have a dog just like him!"

Clearly excited about this dog, I asked if he was interested in adopting. The man said he would love to save this animal if he had more land and were younger. He rocked back and forth, confessing today's was purely to play with animals and meet some new people.  (Which it's actually great when people come even if they don't want to adopt. The animals get more people to interact with and it spreads the word of how many cats, dogs, and other critters end up there. Seriously people, there are a lot of shelter animals that need homes. Go to your local humane society before searching for a breeder. There are so many sweet animals there that will love you extra because they're oh so thankful you saved them from animal jail. Don't shop; adopt! Anyway, back to my story.) 

He went right up to the pup and played with him through the fencing. He looked up at me and went off on a long, old man ramble about his two favorite dogs. He had a wolf hybrid back when he was 30, and even though the man was younger at the time, he couldn't keep up with his huge beast. This caused him to go out and get a husky puppy. The two pups would play all day long and burn out the energy they needed. He told me about how they would wrestle, chase each other into lakes, and tear across his house. The gentleman clearly still had so much love for his old dogs that I was okay with taking the time to listen to his crazy stories.

He snapped out of his memory and asked me if I knew how dogs would show each other dominance. I did, but like I said earlier, I was an awkward duck at the time and didn't want to say it out loud. He took my silence as a no and bellowed, "Well they hump each other!" His story twisted from how they used to wrestle to why they used to wrestle. The husky puppy would always try to prove he was the stronger dog by mounting his wolf companion and showing off his unique ability to thrust his hips in a rhythmic motion. This would result in the wolf getting pissy and pinning the puppy to ground. They'd wrestle until the husky gave up in whimpers and the wolf-dog would go on the back of him to show the puppy he was the top dog of that household.

The old man smiled proudly in teaching me something new, I awkwardly laughed and hustled out of the room because that was way too descriptive for my little brain to take. Shortly after, I heard footsteps enter the kennel room, but I refused to turn around to see who was there. If the man followed me again, I did not want to acknowledge his presence. After a few moments, the air only carried the barks and whines from the dogs, and not a trace of insane jibber-jabber mixed with it.

Relieved that it wasn't him, I let myself get lost in the cuteness a lab puppy offered and played tug-of-war with her. She let go quickly and let out a chorus of happy yips as someone stalked up behind me and tapped my shoulder. I whipped around only to see the old crazy behind me with a stone cold serious face. His gaze flickered throughout the room before his eyes met mine. He leaned in and with a hushed voice he asked, "Hey, you wanna screw?"  

I backed into the kennels as he let out a loud chuckle. I stared in horror and disbelief, unable to comprehend what the hell was happening. From there he pulled a screw out of his pocket, handed it to me with a wink, and then he left. Just like that, he was gone.  

Now here I am three years later, going off just like that old man with a crazy story and a little piece of metal. So guys, I just have one question for you: anybody wanna screw?

(Story by squirrelgirl2341. Did you like her piece? Click the link to check out some more of her awesome stories! Happy reading!)