The core of you - Part 3

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Sunday

12:03am

It might be the momentary silence that makes you let loose. To simply not think for a while.

Bellamy has kept you talking, carefully, but far from casually, avoided all subjects that may or may not be connected to her with the big H. It's nice. You'll admit that. To just listen and talk, to not have to answer questions that end up causing you to swallow back every other word in fear of letting on too much. Yet again, you're not sure what too much is around these people. You are starting to believe that there never was a too much to begin with.

"You're coming home with me, right?". Your eyes shoot up at his question and he shrugs his shoulders in understanding as he says, "Clarke's sleeping at Lexa's".

Of course she is, you think.

You're not really surprised. This whole weekend has been planned out, from the first hour to the last. They have coordinated everything perfectly. Made sure that you won't have to be close to each other more than necessary. Still how could you possibly avoid each other, first with the wedding ceremony and now this, and when it comes down to it it's not her that makes you feel so lost and confused. Not only her.

You scoff as you run your hand through your hair. "As long as you cuddle me".

"Oh I promise", he answers with a wink and the short laugh that rolls of your tongue is hollow and fake.

Bellamy has kept you talking, but haven't said a word of what you know he's carrying around behind those proud and strong eyes. You weren't here when it happened, but that doesn't mean that the word of it didn't reach you. Perhaps that's one of the reasons you've been able to relax in the silence, because that means he isn't on the verge of bringing it up. You're similar in that way - determined to keep the pain in. But. You know, from experience, that it shouldn't be like this.

So you break the silence before you have time to change your mind.

"Why didn't you call me?".

He's face stays calm. His eyes stay on yours. Nothing changes, apart from the way he breathes out heavily before sliding further back in his seat. "Raven", he begins and licks his lips before he continues, "I didn't want to push that on you. You've had enough to deal with".

"So you thought that I'd ignore you?".

"No, the opposite", he's quick to reply with a furrowed forehead, almost looking offended by your question. (He is.) "I thought that you'd get on the first flight here and I didn't want to make you do that", he tells you and you sigh as the blame hits you like a slap to your face.

"Bell I-".

"I needed you to get better. We all needed you to be able to come home, by your own choice".'

His words are carried by worry. You see it in those brown eyes. Your friendship was fast and promising, but you left and with it you left that opportunity behind. Even though it haven't been a day without you thinking of all of them, all of the people that you would have called friends if you hadn't left them behind, you know that you hurt more than you want to see. Even though it matters that you are here now, some wounds are deeper and will take more than just a few days to heal. Days that you can't promise. Time that you can't give him here and now, but you can give him a fraction of it.

So you do.

"Well, I'm here now so I expect to be brought up to speed", you say with a serious face before you let yourself relax and smile ever so slightly.

He laughs and shakes his head, bottom lip worried between his teeth. He then nods and smiles too (and you feel the warmth in your chest for a second before it fades into something painful). "I'll tell you all about her", he tells you.

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