I held my stuffed lion tight in my hand. I took a deep breath as I walked against the heavy rain. My wet, black hair stuck to my forehead like my soaking clothes stuck tightly around my body. The January cold finally reached my skin as I shiverd, pulling my soggy jacket tighter around myself.
I felt like giving as I reached the gates, I felt like turning round and heading home but I couldnt. I couldnt just abandon my best friend like that, even if he did abandon me. He left me. Alone.
I pushed the gate to the cemetery and it creaked open.
The sky was dark and grey as rain continued to pour down around me. The small lights left on loved ones gravesides were my only light other than the few dim lights along the narrow, stone path.
I kept walking, holding lion close to me, as I approached the grave. I read the words engraved in the headstone.
"Daniel Howell
1991-2013
beloved son, brother and friend
happy at last"
I read the last line over and over in my head.
"Happy at last."
He wasnt happy.
I should have noticed, I was his best friend, I lived with him. I held him as he took his last breath.
I could have saved him but instead I stood bye and watched.
I shouldnt have ignored the scars on his wrists or the days he felt like he wasnt good enough.
I should have tried harder.
This is all my fault.
My breath caught in my throat and I realised I was crying.
I squeezed lion tightly as I sobbed.
"I love you Dan. I should have done more to help you but I didnt. I am so sorry Dan.
I did try. I promise I did! I just wasnt good enough.
Why did you do it? Was it me?
I miss you Dan. You left me. You were my everything and now you're gone.
I dont want to leave you alone again. I would stay here, next to you, forever if I could but I cant." The tears were getting worse and I couldnt see.
I took a deep breath as I continued.
"I cant stop remembering how peaceful you looked as I held you that night. You looked younger. I want- I need you back Dan. I cant do this on my own. And theres Chris and Pj, they're in pieces! And your family. Your younger brother, he hates himself for not noticing.
I know its not your fault, you saw it as the only way out, but theres so many people you left behind. So many people blame themselves.
Your subscribers Dan. I had to tell them. They cried. They're still crying Dan. They all miss you.
So many people miss you and we cant have you back.
You had so much to live for. I just wish you could have seen it."
My voice broke and I couldn't speek through the crying.
I took a look at my soggy lion toy before placing him next to the pretty flowers by the headstone.
"Here. I cant stay with you forever but lion can. You need him more than me."
I lay down on the new grass where his grave had been cover and despite the heavy rain, I fell asleep.
***
"Phil? Phil oh my god!"a familiar voice dragged me back to the pains of the real world.
It was PJ.
"Phil!" he pulled me into a hug before helping me up.
"Come on, we'll get you some clean, dry clothes and something warm to drink."
He put his arm around my shoulders and guided me away towards the gate, leaving Dan behind.
