Pain

Why

        When it finally cools down enough I feel numb. Pulling myself together and going in the park bathrooms to find a mirror to fix my, more than likely, messy self. Honestly I don't look that hot but what else would you expect considering what I just went through. My clothes are rumpled and dirty, my hair is everywhere, but the worst part is my eyes. They look bloodshot but once you get past that there's no sign of life. I can see emotion there, but it's also as if I've turned into a ghost to myself. I try and force myself to have a light in my eyes, but it doesn't work to well. I just have to hope it's enough.

        Fixing my hair and clothes as best I can I try to lessen the red in my eyes with cold water. By the time I actually go to leave the sun is shining, and everyone is starting to wake up. Remembering I have a therapy session I inwardly sigh, not wanting to go. So instead I head towards my willow. My beautiful weeping willow, and my safe haven. Climbing up until I find a sturdy enough branch I just sit there and lean my head against the trunk. I sigh not really knowing why. All I know is that for now I'm not the 17 year old who got raped, and I can relax for a moment.

        By the time I actually care to move and continue on with my pathetic lie, the sun is starting to go down. To be honest I'm kind of shocked. I didn't think I was in the tree that long. As I walk home it feels like everyone sees me, but at the same time I'm still a ghost. I did a lot of thinking up in that tree and my first stop: Jace's.

        When I show up he's nowhere to be found, and I again remember the therapist session. Looking at the bank clock across the street I realize by the time I get there they'll already be done with the session. I start walking anyway knowing at least I'll catch him.

        About halfway there I see him. He's walking towards me, but he doesn't recognize me at first. I stop and wait as he keeps walking towards me. After a couple extra feet he looks up and finally see's me. I watch the emotions roll across his face: anger, fear, sadness, pain. I don't understand them but they're wide open right in front of me. He stands stock still and tense as if he expects a hit. I stare in shock for  a while, and he still doesn't move. Finally I make the first step and speak,

        "I just need to know one thing: Why?"

        He looks at me with pain in his eyes, and I can't help but to scoff at him on the inside. He doesn't know pain like I do, and if someone asking him a question causes pain then I can't wait to see what happens when he finally grows up and realizes that everywhere you turn someone is lying to you. He looks lost so I decide I'll ask one more time before I go up there and smack him upside his big head.

        "Why?!"

        Resolve covers his features and I know that this time I'll get an answer. He takes a step forward and in turn I take one back. Hurt flashes through his eyes again, but I can't imagine why. He can't really expect me to trust him, or to trust anyone for that matter. I mean even if he is dumb enough to not understand what he did to me last night he has to at least have some understanding of what I went through considering he was one of the people who barged in to the room at the very end. He looks down, and then glances up and this time I can't see anything in his eyes, and I can't help but wonder if he's blocked me out.

        "What do you mean, why? If you haven't noticed the whole world doesn't center around you."

        I look at him in shock, unable to believe he just said that. Well two can play at that game,

        "Oh, you know perfectly well what it means!" I hiss.

        It has no effect, he only raises his eyebrows.