HUMAN-LESS

Prolusion

January 15th, 1991.

Mountain winds sound exactly like ocean waves.

I only open my eyes outside, clouds veil the moon like a thick smoke hides a fire.

Blood keeps leaking from my clothes and it's already cold.

I don't know why I find that so comforting.

Cerise is here as well. Her presence it's like another slap in the face for me.

I take in her appearance: her eyes are a cloudy, muted shade of gray and she looks overweight.

There's a large black vehicle behind her. It smells strange.

Cerise stops walking after seeing me. Her heart's still beating, her lungs are still working. And that has never upset me more.

I can tell this is one of those moments I will wish to forget later.

I should have let her die yet somehow it seemed like such a good idea at the time.

Tell me human-voice-from-the-back-of-my-head, how far would you go to save your family?

Her hands tremble slightly. She must be desperate to get her fix.

Sooner rather than later, your past catches up with you and you lose. And once you lose something, it likes to stay gone.

Cerise smiles and I feel like I caught a child lying. Her flashlight battery dies. Oops.

I know Cerise is not happy to see me because she never is. It's only human instinct to have an aversion to me. It was a lesson I learned the hard way.

"You are worth everything now. Believe me."I hear her voice go up a nick.

She keeps her hands in the pockets. Her posture commands attention and respect. Too bad she's not getting any.

It is all a lie; every dreadful word of it. Her sarcastic smile says as much.

One would assume that for her being this close to me is like stepping in dog feces.

"Of course, I am. You're alive because of me." I start to feel exposed and awkward. And I don't want to deal with the discomfort of being human.

"Even the happiest marriages have their secrets. More to the point your father and I did what was best for you. Look how strong you are." She won't meet my gaze; she never does. But that is no excuse.

I have no idea if she is telling the truth.

"You are not a victim child. Aliza had been one." Cerise has difficulty staying still; she jumps at the slightest of sounds.

The guilt and shame of her loved daughter's sins weighed on her. Evil took its form deep within her soul. And there was only one way out. Aliza killed herself.

"Be who you are." Cerise shouts every word with no hesitation.

I am, the same person, as I was when I was eight years old. I don't have to hide that or fix it. I am not broken.

"You think you know who to trust?" She snaps this time.

I start to think about all the ways she hurt me. There was no one to tell and nowhere to hide.

It doesn't matter what I know because what I feel just takes over.

"You think you know the difference between good and evil?" Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I don't know what effect those questions are supposed to have on me, but it's a good thing that I really don't care.

I grab Cerise's hair and throw her against the car. The impact was strong and loud.

This is for all those times she made me feel small.

She draws in a deep breath and gets to her feet. I know she is trying not to cry.

Cerise takes a slow step backward, bumping into the car. I am well aware of her inability to look after herself.

Time to breathe your last breath mother.

"You will not end me." Cerise pulls the trigger. Life is full of surprises.

One single bullet penetrates her skull; the cranium starts to fracture; skin particles are pulled into the wound; coagulative necrosis occurs.

Blood vessels are ruptured so blood is allowed to escape.

When the bullet reaches the exit hole she's no longer alive.

A good daughter would have stopped the bleeding and stabilized blood pressure but I am a bad daughter.

I sigh in bliss. The sensation can only be described as cold; a cold emptiness right in the center of my chest.