UNSEEN

FOUR

I run toward Liv's school. It used to be my school too, but now I should be in college, or at least have a job. Well, it's not the school I'm going to. I go behind the blue building, into the woods. There's nothing there, barring tall trees. Eucalyptus, I assume. The mud is still wet. It never dries.

They fail to understand why it's raining in November. I think I know. There's chaos in the order of the universe, if it has one. Something unknown should be known but it's not, and the heavens are raging.

Or it could be global warming. It's real, no matter how much those old assholes (my grandmother included) deny it. The latter is plausible, but my heart is set on the former.

I regret wearing my crocs as they sink in the wet ground, reminding me how Liv mocked their existence, mocked me for wearing them.

A little deeper into the woods, I can see the lake. That's what they call it, anyway. It's small, it's muddy and in it, used to live a mermaid when I was a kid. I haven't seen her in years. She's probably dead, the water is stagnant. I'm ten meters away and the stench is killing me, forget what it'd be like to live in it.

I walk further. There it is. The yellow tape is still stuck across trees. I step over it. This is exactly where she was shot dead, sitting in our Chevrolet. This spot is the beginning of my visions. Without my efforts, it all comes back right before me. I feel the rain pouring on my brown head. She's only a few feet away. I see her clutching the steering wheel. She laughs about something, looks ahead at me and freezes. There's fear in her eyes. There's my fear in her eyes.  It's not normal, me seeing the same fucked up images over and over again when I wasn't even there.

The horror doesn't leave her face. There's a blue jay singing in my ear.

"Get the fuck out of my head, Liv." I mumble. 

The car's gone. I see her body now. This is a real memory. They called us the morning they found her body. She'd always been pale, but this was different. Unnatural, even. The only thing that wasn't pale was the black hole on her forehead. It was half a centimetre wide. Maybe more. She's wearing my fluffy jacket. I don't remember lending it to her.

I want it to stop. I want the visions to stop. I want the nightmares to stop. But they won't. I know they won't, not until I get some answers.

The sky is changing colour. It's hard to describe. Fire? No. It looks like when you're washing off blood from your hands and it's fading, but there's still some stains left. And even after it's gone, you can feel it on your palm, warm and thick. If time ever stopped and there had to be a colour for it, this would be it. And in this moment, I feel time stopping for me. TICK TICK TICK. Stop. Nothing is moving. There's no sound to hear, not even the blue jay that was bugging me a minute ago.

It feels like in this moment, the universe has ceased to exist. And she's here.

She stands leaning on the tree with the tape on it. She's awfully pale. There's a hole in the middle of her forehead. Other than that, she looks well. My eyes are drooping, I feel ticklish. She's a foot away now. "I've missed you, Reece."

She takes my hand and walks me to the lake. We're standing at the slippery edge. Our reflections in the water are clear. I see that I'm almost her colour. I'm sick, she's dead, we both hurt. We're not very different

"Tell me who did it." I say, firmly. She chuckles. It's the laugh she gives when she already knows what I'm going to say.

"Wouldn't you like to know? And what will you do if I tell you? Bring me back somehow?"

"You are back!" My pitch is higher now. She rolls her eyes. She looks at me in disdain. That's actually how she always looks at me.

"You never get it, do you? Somethings aren't normal, Reece. Somethings are unnatural and unacceptable. One of them would be a dead person coming back to life to confront her murderer."

I sigh. She's right. She's not real but she's still right.

"What do I do, then?" I feel defeated. It's killing me. I need to know. I don't see the way.

"Watch and listen. It's time now." She says. It makes no sense.

I see a third reflection in the water. It's my mother. Liv and I turn around. She's white as a sheet, she's wearing what she wore the night Liv died. A white shirt and blue jeans. Her dull blonde hair looks duller.

There's something in her hand. It's black, it's metal, it's loud.

She aims at Liv and pulls the trigger. I scream. Liv's tall, slender body crumbles down like a house of cards. She's gone again.

Mother turns to me. "I just want us all to be happy, sweetie." She holds the gun against her temple and fires.

I'm on the ground with my face in my palms.

It's not real. Make it go away. I stay there for God knows how long. Finally, I look up and it's all gone. I don't try to think about how I've lost my mind completely, but I know it. I get up and brush at my knees. My tears have dried out. Hopefully, no one will notice.

I look at my watch. I'm late for my session. So, I find myself running again. And for the first time in a long time, I have something to talk about.

Maybe she'll know what Liv meant.

Watch and listen.