UNSEEN

THREE

Thursday, 13th March, 2012

I hate how he holds me. I hate it because I love it. It's wrong. I always berated people who cheated. That was, until I become one of them. When he kissed my neck tonight, I felt this heaviness in my chest. So, I pushed him away. He was mad. He told me that it was time to let Calum know. We argued. He concluded by saying that if I wasn't willing to let him know, he'd do it.

I responded the way I always do. I told him he was crazy if he thought Calum would talk to him calmly. I told him I'd tell him everything tomorrow. I lied.

It would take forever for me to gather the courage to tell Calum myself. He would kill Andrew.

Maybe I'll keep this little secret for a while, at least until I'm sure about Andrew. I'd hate to hurt Calum. And I'm no saint.

Although I never liked Calum, I yelled at Liv for screwing Andrew while she was still with him. She yelled back, I backed off and we forgot about it. The usual.

So, she gave these guys a reason to hate her. But to kill her? That'd be stupid. But then, they are stupid. They all are. It physically hurts me to see how stupid people are. It hurts me how my mother believed Evan when he told her he isn't having an affair with his secretary. It hurts me how Calum blamed Andrew for taking Liv away, when she was just screwing around. It's what she does. It hurts me how Megan thinks I can get better with therapy.

People just don't want to see what's real.

I turn the page. It's dated back to 5th April. Of course, she was never consistent. What she was happened to be a diligent, tireless, indecisive nerd who always sought the affection we never received as children and would never receive until kingdom come.

I, on the other hand, was the 'other' child. The weird one, the one that never did anything that was asked. I didn't refuse to follow orders because I was rebellious, but because I required a justification for everything. Why did I have to pray to get noticed by an invisible man? Why did I have to ask people how they were doing when I didn't care? Why was there a need for me to call another man my father? Nobody answered, so I stopped caring.

I fail to understand how people can care about earthly things when there's a whole universe undiscovered, a universe that has no end, or one that has no beginning. Mother tells me my queries are different. I believe her. It comes more instinctively than anything ever.

Thursday, 5th April, 2012

I now know I'm the stupidest person alive. They were close to killing each other. When I was little, all the movies gave me the idea that it'd be nice to have two guys fight over me. And there I was, screaming my lungs out, begging them to stop beating each other up. They didn't.

Finally, Andrew collapsed. Calum is strong, there's no denying it. With Andrew on the road, Calum turned to me. I started to step back and tripped on the pavement. He stood over me, looking bigger than ever. He held me by the arm, almost crushing my bones, to pick me up. His arms began to flex as he looked into my soul with rage. Then, surprisingly, he let go of my arm. He called me a bitch and walked away.

I choked on my own breath. My chest hurt more than my arm. I knew I had to go over to help Andrew but I took a couple of minutes to gather myself.

Tonight was a long night.

Everyone thinks Liv was unpredictable. I don't. She was an open book to me. I could foretell her every move and she, mine. She was my red, I was her white.

Together, we made the prettiest shade of pink.

Every passing second, I can feel her closing in. It feels like she's tearing down the door in my head with a sledgehammer. She wants in. I don't know if I want it too.