Alone and Abused

Alone and Abused part 2

I stand in the shower, hot steaming water rushing down onto my head covering my body. In my right hand I hold a knife. I am deciding, deciding whether to cut myself. People say it helps but I don't really know, my other argument going on in my head is where to do it. People will see on my wrists I am sure. It's the middle of netball season someone will surely notice, I think people have seen my bruises and barely even thought anything of it. But I guess cuts are different. I am at least going to try it. It's not like there is any point of me living anymore, no one will ever love me, and I'm so ugly and fat and disgusting. I can't even keep my boyfriend happy. the top of my thighs it the most hidden spot I think, you can't see them in my netball uniform and I'm not going swimming anytime soon, I think there will do. I push the knife slowly down against my thigh, I don't know if I can do this. "What are you thinking you don't even have the balls to hurt yourself, do it, I dare you". I hate my self conscious. It's a stupid bitch and it should fuck off. But it's right. I push down a little further, "go on do it" I find my hand slicing my leg. It doesn't actually hurt it stings. The warm water rushing over it feels good. This actually makes me feel better. Somehow the self inflicted pain is good; I make another cut, deeper this time. It's probably about 1 and bit centimetres deep. It hurts but it's a good pain, it seems to release all this pressure. I don't get why people say cutting yourself is bad. It's a good thing. It's actually really helping. The next one is even deeper. The water running off my leg is scarlet red, not just a pink, deep scarlet red. The blood keeps rushing down my leg; I see it as my pain running away down the drain. But it never stops. I turn the water off. I'm just standing there in the shower, not content with my ugly, fat, disgusting body and cry. I get out of the shower and my leg is still bleeding. I put my towel around me and quickly get a face washer, wet it with cold water and rush into my room. I sit on the ground holding the face washer to my cuts. The pressure seems to have stopped most of the bleeding but to be sure I put a bit of some wound dressing thing I found in our medical cupboard and wrap my thigh with a bandage. If anyone asks I'm just going to say I strained it at netball, people will believe that as long as they don't see the cuts. Everyday day I am amazed at how oblivious society is, and how much my friends actually notice. The ignorance people show is pathetic. You'd think that if people had the slightest clue that I was going through shit they would grow up and stop annoying the shit out of me. But no, people assume my life is just normal and just bag the shit out me every day. I'm so worthless, useless and un-loveable.