Alone and Abused

Alone and Abused part 4

Don’t know how to comprehend this. He is gone. It’s been a week and it still feels like he is going to show up at my window and we will go for a walk at midnight. I will never see him again, ever. I, I just don’t understand. Is this a good thing? If I told anyone what he did to me then they would think it was a good thing. But I loved him; I thought I was going to marry him. Then he changed.

I’ve only ever had one person who I know personally die, it was my great grandma. I didn’t really know her well but on the odd occasion I still think about her and miss her. But this is different, since he changed everything’s been different and now it’s a whole new different. He is gone, forever, it’s inconceivable. Someone who my life revolves around is gone. I think it might be for the better of me, but I don’t know yet. I thought he would change back to the normal, loving, un-alcoholic, best friend I ever had, but it never happened.

All week life has been a blur; I am just acting normal as usual. if anyone asks I tell them to shut up because I don’t want to talk about it, but deep inside I want someone to talk to me, someone who know what is going through my head, someone to just listen without making judgements for once. I don’t even know if I want him to still be in my life, but for certain I did not want him dead! Yeah he stuffed up, but he shouldn’t have died, what if it was all my fault? It can’t be my fault can it? Even if it was slightly my fault I still feel like crap about all of this either way.

I don’t really know what I am going to do. I have very mixed emotions about all of this. Maybe now that he is gone, I could like tell someone what happened? But I don’t want any more attention. Maybe I will just go die. No one will really notice or care. It would be easier that way, save me the pain. I think I will leave it a month to let people get over him first. One month and I am gone, everyone’s lives will be so much better without me and I will not have to think about anything ever again. You know the more I think about it maybe it was a good thing he was in my life, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" but maybe, hopefully, this will end up killing me.