All the way back to the apartment my throat felt closed up, yet my heart fluttered. I was a mixture of both regret and excitement, even hope. I wanted to believe that he would understand...although it wouldn't be easy to leave. Yet now I knew who to choose...it was painfuly clear.
At last the carriage came to a stop. I went out into the blustery cold, then inside the foyer, climbing the elegant staircase to my upper floor rooms. I entered with the tiny key that I held in my coat pocket. The living room was queit and still. On the end table was a note from the maid that she was out to shop for food and would be back soon. I hung my coat and smoothed my hair, then went to the fireplace, stoking up the embers. Soon a cozy fire was crakling to life and I pulled a chair near, tro warm myself. I was filled with dread and excitement inside yet I tried to remain composed on the outside. Soo I heard the locked door rattle, someone trying to get in. Thinking it was the maid, I shouted out I was coming and went and unlocked the door.
Yet instead of a grocery-laden girl at the door there was Raoul, tall and handsome, his jaw clean and his hair only slightly mussed by the wind. he was flushed from the cold and his smile warmed me. "May I come in, Miss Daae?" He asked formaly, yet gave me a teasing grin. I swallowed hard and nodded, trying to smile back. This was going to be so difficult.
He almost instantly noticed my mood and took my hands. "Christine, is there something wrong? Look I am so sorry about how I've been behaving. I was silly to think I could force your hand."
I looked up, hopeful. "R-Really? Do you mean that?"
He nodded. "Yes. I have been beastly, to be so jealous and protective. Yet you must forgive me Christine, please! I only wish for you to be my happy little wife and for us to live a happy life together." He grasped my hands tighter then let go. "So, what did you have fun visiting Meg?"
"Y-yes. Listen Raoul there is something I must tell you." I swallowed hard, and he had turned to put some tinder on the fire and warm his hands, paying only half-attention to me. "Raoul, please listen!"
He turned to be, his face confused and his eyes inviting me to go on. "Raoul...I...I cannot go to London. My home is here."
"Chrsitine...why all of a sudden...?" He seemed so distressed and looked at my hard. "Why are you saying this?"
"Raoul. Precious Raoul. My sunshine my summer..." I stroked his cheek, my fingers feeling icy asgaint his flushed skin. I tried not to look in his eyes, which were filled with confusion. "I am no longer yours." I dropped my hand. "I am not going to London with you. I cannot. Something more powerful than the love I have for you holds me here. I cannot go on living a lie."
He stared at me a few long moments, saying nothing. At last, all he said was: "What?"
I removed the dazzling ring from left hand and placed it on his knee, trying not to touch him. I felt if I were to touch him again I would crumble. I could not afford to crumble. Not now.
"I am leaving you Raoul. Please, understand that isa not because I do not love you. I do. Which makes this all the harder. Raoul, I cannot be with you. My heart is a song that was sang for someone else. Unfortuntly, it is not you." I tried to keep my voice from quavering.
He looked down at his knee where the ring of our promise to wed lay. "It's him isn't it?" He muttered darkly.
"W-what?"
"It's HIM!" He said, standing suddenly, sending the ring tumbling to the carpet. "It's always been him! He's poisoned you Christine! He has this..this hold on you! You are his prisoner and always will be! This is why we must leave this place! It is tainted with his memory!"
I stood too, drawing strength. "Raoul, please! You cannot still think that! I have wanted to be with you, and for months I have tried my hardest to foeget him! Yet he is here!" I placed my palm over my heart. "And he will always be, as will you! Yet he cries strongly for me, and I must heed that call! If I am to be heartbroken, so be it! I shan't come running back to you, for I would have wronged you so! Yet...something tells me that he is who I must be with. Not as hurband and wife, or as lovers, or even singers. As two halves of a whole, of two beings who cannot be torn asunder! Please please understand!"
He looked at me his eyes cold. "Then go. Leave. I shall not perish without you, as you might without him." He turned his head away, his voice heavy with disdain. "I should have known it was to good to be true." He muttered.
I felt tears well into my eyes and I longed to reach out and comfort him. I knew right then what I was doing. I was breaking this man's heart for my own selfishness. Was I willing to do it? I took a steading breath.
"Raoul I never meant to hurt you or lead you on. You have helped me see what I really want and...I wish to God it was you!" I cried out. No no! Stay steady! Yet the tears flowed. "I need you to forgive me Raoul. Please. Forgive this heartbreak and maybe one day you shall find the one you truly deserve. A girl of society, of sophistication, who longs for a wonderful man like you."
"Christine, you know that doesn't matter to me. I would do anything to give you prestige and glory like you deserve. Please, don't go to him. He's a...monster!" He turned to me, tears in his eyes also.
"I wish I could believe that Raoul. But I cannot...not when I feel this way about him." I said simply. He looked hard at me. Then, he sighed.
"I knew it was a mistake. To take you away from him. Even as we courted I saw your distraction. I was too willing to look past it." He shook his head, his locks golden in the firelight. "I tried to be all I could to you Christine. I tried so hard."
I stepped forward and embraced him, sniffling a little. He stiffly wrapped his arms around me too. He held me a moment, stroking my dark curls. Then he spoke. "I knew you loved him all along. I was just hoping you'd love me more."
I looked up at him, frowning. "It's not a contest, nor an amount. It is the kind of love we share: of kinship and friendship. You are my ray of light, Raoul...yet somehow I need his darkness."
He nodded, although his eyes were still confused. He was heartbroken, yet not angry anymore. It was if all his bitterness had melted away. "Christine, I'll always love you. Know that please. Even as I have to let you go and find your song again."
I smiled and stood on tiptoe to kiss him on the lips. He deepened the kiss, gripping me to him feircly. Raoul and I had never had intimacies besides a few heated kisses, yet this kiss and this embrace was something else. It was desperate and departing...like he longed to call me back with his kiss.
I parted from him and caught my breath. "Please don't be angry with me or him. Please just move on. For me. Please." I begged through a gasping breath. All he did was nod, his face flushed, passion raging with the emotions inside him.
That night he left after a quiet last dinner, with the understanding that I was leaving in the morning. "If you need anywhere to stay, just YOU come back here. The rent is paid for the year, it's just a visiting apartment my family keeps." He assured me. I nodded at his offer.
"I'll keep it in mind." I said. "But please don't come looking for us. I doubt we'll stay here long." He nodded too, with understanding. The Phantom was a wanted man after all.
After dinner we embraced one last time and he wrote down his London address as well as the one for his home here. "Should you ever need me, I shall be here. I still love you Christine, and I can only hope one of us sees the light of this situation one day." He said as he left.
I paked straightaway, only what belonged to me. A few dresses, a cloak, a book or two and Papa's portrait that i had found and framed to fit in the palm of my hand. By morning, I had a carriage ordered and it dropped me off in the square. I walked the steps of the Opera house, trembling and not just from the cold.
"I pray he accepts me." I whispered to the chill air as I climbed the stairs and entered his ruined domain.
