my bestfriend's brother ✔️

06

It's a wednesday morning. The class was cancelled due to some guests visiting the school, meaning I have nothing to do other than lay on my bed all day, staring at my ceiling where I have a medium sized picture of Jimin hanged. It's wierd but it's kinda stands as my dream catcher, staring at it everytime I have a headache, having trouble sleeping and even having nightmares. It was the picture I stole from from the school paper back when Jimin was still in high school when they won the soccer championship. His smile was in full display, a trophy in a hand and several medals hanging by his neck.

I don't even know why I like him so much. He's like the only person that could make me feel embarassed and flustered all at the same time. It's like there's something about his eyes that always captivates me, it is just so mesmerizing and really addicting.

I fell so deep that I did things that a Jeon Jungkook wouldn't normally do. But I never regretted any of it though, in fact I enjoyed it, no matter how stupid and pathetic I may seem.

I didn't care,

I love him.

That's why it hurts so damn much everytime he pushes me away, speaks of words that I never wanted to hear. It pains me to see how cold he is. But it pains me even more to aee him all smiles and giggles whenever he's around others. I hate it.

He's confusing, he's always been confusing. He says he'll never like me back but he keeps on leading me on and when finally I let myself hope, he'd just casually crush it all up and go back to his usual cold self. He's so stupid, his reasons for not liking me back are so shallow. He speaks as if our ages are thousands apart when in fact, he's only five years older than me. He keeps telling me to find someone my age when I made it clear that I want nobody else but him. He keeps on telling me I deserve better when in my eyes, he's already the best.

"Idiot!" I found myself wailing, throwing a pillow at him– well more like his picture, but wrong move though because the pillow just hopped in the air before falling straight down to my face.

I could only groan through the pillow. I don't get him, I never did actually. Jimin, he's just so hard to get, his mind and actions are so unpredictable whilst here I am, like an open book. I know it's stupid to fight for something that is never even there in the first place. But if I were to be a fool, I'd much gladly be a fool for Park Jimin.

But it's hard ya'know, being his but completely aware the he could never be mine. It hurts, so damn much— so fucking much.

Suddenly, I had the urge to hear his voice. So I reached for my phone placed on top of my nightstand, dialling his number. He didn't answer at first, probably still sleeping. It's still eight in the morning after all. But what can I say, I'm stubborn as fuck and I'm in desperate need to hear his angelic voice.

"What do you want?" He grumbled on the fourth ring, his voice hoarse from sleep followed by a groan and ruffling of sheets.

"I just....missed your voice." I answered, earning another groan from him.

"I'm tired Jungkook," he said. "It's like what? Six in the morning?"

"It's already eight, hyung." I chuckled,

"It's the same thing." He said, annoyed.

I smiled, not saying anything, just admiring his soft breathing, wondering what would it feel like if I wake to his face every morning, would that be what they call heaven? A blissful feeling? I wanna know.

"I love you," I blurted out, silently face palming my face for ruining the mood.

The line went silent before a long ass sigh was heard, "I don't." He mumbled, casually breaking my heart in half. No matter how many times I've heard such rejection, still the pain felt pure and fresh. I could never get used to it.

"I...k-know," I said, my voice slightly breaking. "B-but I love you anyway,"

"Okay," he retorted, his voice cold and bitter. I bit back a cry, biting my lip to refrain myself from crying. He hates it when I cry. I stayed silent, adoring his breathing once again. He continued. "Is that all you wanted to say because I'm tired as fuck." He grumbled.

Yeah, me too Jimin. Me too.

B-but I didn't the want call to stop.

"I w-want to sing for you.." I muttered in a low voice. "Please.." another groan was heard from the other line before it went silent, probably contemplating whether to afree or to disagree.

After a couple moments, I heard him sigh before saying, "Fine." which made me gulp. I didn't really plan on this, I don't have a single song in mind. I expected him to say no and just hang up on me but bitch, I thought.

In the end, I decided on a song that I listened recently. Clearing my throat as I recalled the lyrics of the song.

I'm so fucked.

Like those dead leaves there that have fallen and are flying
My love is collapsing without strength
Your heart is only going further away, I can't grab you
I can't grab you any more more more
I can't hold on more, yeah.

Somehow it felt like the song was speaking up for me. The unsaid words and feelings. It's like the lyrics and the song itself was made specifically for me. I forgot how emotional this song is.

I want you who makes eye contact with me
I want you who wants me again
Please don't fall
Please don't collapse
Never never fall
Don't go far far away

I could hear sheets shuffling in the background, a sigh but no words. He stayed silent but I know he's listening. He knows the message behind the song.

Why can I still not give up on you?
I hold onto the withered memories
Is it greed?
The lost seasons I try to restore,
I try to restore them

Yeah, why can't I give up? Why can't I just move on and find someone who'd love me as a whole and not just lead me on and give me false hope? He clearly told and showed me how he can never love me, so what's holding me back?

Park Jimin,

There's no other answer to that. He, the ever cold asshole and the forever rude ass boy, will always and forever be the reason why I even settle for such thing. The very reason why I can't turn back and just simply move on.

But something in me hopes, a part of me wishes that someday, one day he'll finally reciprocate my undying feelings for him, that someday he'd love me as much as I love him, more even.

I hope.

"H-hyung?" I called when I finished the song. There was silence on the other line which kinda made me worried, "J-jimin are you still there?" but there was still no response. I checked the screen of my phone to check if the call had already ended. The call was still on going but it looks like Jimin must've already slept from the lack of response and movements from the other line.

A sigh escaped from my lips as, "Sleep well, hyung." I whispered. "I love you." I waited for any response but there weren't any, so with another sigh and trembling hands, I pressed the end call button, the same time my tears finally had the audacity to cascade down my cheeks.

Jimin, why must you hurt me like this?