MAX

one

"Hey Nate, how's it going?" 

Not good. Bad. Terrible. Worse than terrible. That's what I wanted to answer.

"Everything's fine." My mouth repeats the words I've learned to use whenever someone asks me that question.

Everything was far from being fine. I started walking around the classroom waiting for the teacher to get in so we could start doing our test. I felt like my head was going to explode at any second. There were thousands of questions inside my mind.

What if I fail?

What if I don't get into university because of this test?

What if I faint in the middle of doing my test?

What if I get too nervous that makes me incapable of writing my answers?

What if I write the wrong answers?

What if I have a panic attack right now?

Part of my brain is telling me that I should calm down, telling me that I should take a deep breath and not worry about the future; but another part of me - the bigger part, the part that always wins - is telling me that I cannot get nervous because if I get nervous, I'll feel sick and if I feel sick I won't be able to do the test and if I don't do this test I'll never get into university and that all turns into a giant snowball that is slowly killing me on the inside.

Mr. Johnson finally comes in and everyone sits down on their places. I start tapping my pen against  my desk, waiting impatiently for him to give me my test.

He hands me the piece of paper and I start reading the questions. Or trying to, at least. I read the same question about ten times before I can finally focus on what's written on that paper and I start writing sentence after sentence. When I read my answer I realize it doesn't make any sense. It looks like someone threw up words and I have no idea how to fix it. I start bouncing my leg up and down without even realizing it and all I can hear is the tick tack of my watch.

I feel like I'm going crazy. I start sweating and I take a deep breath.

Everything's going to be okay. Part of me says.

No it won't. The other part replies.