A Letter to My Absent Father

The Letter

Dear Dad,

No scratch that. You were never that.

Dear Sperm Donor,

Nah..too harsh..

Dear father,

Yes, that's it.. And no capitalization deserved, either..

Dear father,

You came, and you left-a few times. I never knew if I would ever see you again.

I remember being a kid and looking out into my backyard during a phone conversation with you once, thinking that that would be the last time I will ever hear from you. You had called to complain to me-a child,who could do nothing about it-that someone stole money from you.

Every time you called me, you told me that I had your number and could call you anytime-which was not true, considering that you changed your number every year or so and when I DID call you never answered-and that it was MY fault that I never got to talk to or see you, because I-the CHILD-should have been responsible for keeping in touch with YOU-the PARENT.

You were never there for me. You CLAIMED to be, but you weren't. You PRETENDED to be, but you weren't. I was just for show.

I never understood how someone could use their child like that-how someone could be there one day and gone the next, how someone could use their child to PRETEND to be a good parent. I still don't understand.

I loved you-or at least I thought I did. I know I missed you-a LOT. I thought about you all the time-I still do. I wonder if this-cutting you permanently out of my life- is the right thing to do. Then, I remember all that you put me through-the hurt, the pain, the blame, the wondering if I was ever good enough for you (or anyone else). I remember the wondering if I'll ever see you or hear from you again. More importantly, I remember the using me-using me to SHOW people that you're a good parent, using me to "PROVE" your good parenting (even though you never even began to raise me).

That "daddy issues" thing that people talk about-I don't get it..or at least I DIDN'T, until now-until I learned why I have trust issues, why I have abandonment issues, why I feel lonely and alone, why I pursue the wrong guys and the wrong types of guys, why I blame myself when anything goes wrong.

All my life, I was raised by my mom and grandparents-her parents. I had a Christian upbringing and went to church every Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night. When I was a teenager, I went through a phase where I didn't want to go to church, where I didn't have God and Jesus in my life, where I didn't have faith. Eventually I came back to church, God, and Jesus, but it wasn't the same. I still have my doubts every once in awhile, but my faith is stronger, now. Because of that faith, I learned what it is to forgive.

I'm not condemning you. In fact, I want to thank you. I want to thank you for not being there because if you were, I probably wouldn't be as strong as I am today. I probably wouldn't believe in cutting "toxic" people out of my life. I probably wouldn't believe that it's okay to let go. Because of you, I have learned to love as much as I can while I can. I have learned passion and acceptance. I have learned about loss and love. Most importantly I have learned to be me. And I wouldn't have learned that with you being here. So thank you. Honestly, thank you.

Sincerely,

The daughter you missed out on.

~Ren