UPSIDE DOWN
- twist XIV -
Like I said. There should be a different system. There should be some kind of universal arrangement that leaves no room for misunderstanding. It could involve hand signals, perhaps. Or small, discreet stickers placed on the lapel, color-coded for different messages:
AVAILABLE/NOT AVAILABLE
RELATIONSHIP ON/RELATIONSHIP OFF
SEX IMMINENT/SEX CANCELED/SEX MERELY POSTPONED.
How else are you supposed to know what’s going on? How? By the next morning I’ve thought long and hard and have got nowhere.
I stumble downstairs in my robe at around nine, to find Tol and Ericka in the hall, dressed up very smartly. Tol is in a blue blazer with shiny gold buttons, and Ericka is in a white slub silk suit, with the biggest corsage of fake red roses I’ve ever seen. She also seems to be having the teeniest problem doing up the buttons of her jacket.
At last she edges the last one into its buttonhole and stands back to look at herself in the mirror, panting slightly. Now she looks as though she can’t move her arms.
“What do you think?”...she says to Tol.
“Yes, very nice.”
“Um… I think it looks nice with the jacket unbuttoned. More… relaxed.”...I venture.
Ericka looks as though she suspects me of deliberately sabotaging her appearance.
“Yes. Maybe you’re right.”
She makes to undo her buttons—but she’s so trussed up, she can’t get her hands near enough. And now Tol’s wandered off into the study.
“Shall I…”...I offer.
“Yes. If you would be so kind.”
I move forward and undo the buttons as gently as I can, which is not very, given how stiff the fabric is. When I’ve finished she takes a step backward and regards herself again, looking slightly dissatisfied, plucking at her silky shirt thing.
“Tell me Divine. If you saw me now for the first time… what word would you use to describe me?”
Oh, bloody hell. I’m sure this wasn’t in my job description. I rack my brains hastily for the most flattering word I can come up with.
“Um… um… elegant. I’d say you were elegant.”...I say at last, nodding as though to add conviction to what I’m saying.
