Hope

Chapter Sixteen: When You Truly Love Something

That night, we stopped in some woods, well away from the road in case we were followed. Rebecca had already started a fire, and everyone was seated around it except Zack and Jing. I could feel an emptiness around the circle where they should be. It was a bizarre feeling. I must have grown too used to everyone sitting together by the fire. Finally, I became too uncomfortable to stay, and I picked myself up and went into the wagon where Jing was watching Zack.

"Hey," I said, sitting on a crate right behind Jing.

Jing didn't even look up from Zack's face. "Hey. Could you please pass me the water pitcher?"

I passed her the water pitcher and watched as she poured a little water in Zack's slack-jawed mouth. He swallowed once and moved his head slightly, but that was all. Disappointed, Jing placed the water pitcher back on the crate and sat looking at Zack some more.

"Do you want anything to eat?" I asked her.

She shook her head. "I have to keep an eye on Zack."

"What law says you can't eat while you're watching a patient?"

Jing flinched at the word 'patient'. "You don't understand. You've never been in love. You've never felt it rip you apart like this."

"I thought you hated him," I said flatly. "He lied to you. You haven't touched him once since he told the truth. You can hardly even look at him!"

"I healed his ears," Jing reminded me.

"That doesn't count. You were doing it out of duty, not out of love."

Jing sighed. "You don't understand!"

"Explain it to me then. Explain it in terms that I will understand. I really don't understand. I know nothing of love, Jing! I'll be the first to admit it! But I thought love was forever, even if the object of your love breaks your heart. I understand how you'd be mad that he lied to you, but would you really forget your feelings that quickly and that deeply?"

Jing took a deep breath. "Zack is an elf. He's not human. No, Leaf, don't interrupt. I'm not finished. I'm not saying this to be racist or anything, but I don't think Zack could love me. I know about elves and their telepathic powers. Every time I touched him, I was forcing my emotions on him. He's too polite to say I'm being rude, of course. But I can't keep inflicting myself on him."

"How do you know he doesn't love you?" I asked her. "Did you ever ask him?"

Jing shook her head. "He's an elf. Elves are different from us. The differences between us are simply too great. We're not even from the same race! He's an elf and I am not. I'm human."

"You've said that ten gazillion times already," I said irritably. "What's your point?"

A tear rolled down Jing's cheek. "The truth is, I love him desperately! But what can I do when the differences between us are so great? Our races are at war and we are caught in the middle, forced together by some cruel twist of fate. I don't want to give him hope only to have it snatched away from him if he loves me. If he doesn't love me, I don't want to embarrass him by showing affection towards him. And as you mentioned, there's the fact that he lied to me. I don't know if I can forgive him for that."

I was silent. Jing had knocked me speechless with what she had just said. I supposed that I hadn't really understood her great love for Zack, for I had never encountered the like in my life. My mother had been weak-willed and sort of disengaged from the rest of the world, even from my father. My father... he didn't love anyone. All he saw was opportunity. And I had never been terribly close to my brothers, even Tornheart. In a way I had always been alone in the world, but it never really bothered me because I didn't know what deep love was like. And now that Jing feels like she has lost that love, she feels more alone than ever. She's more alone than I'll ever be.