Affliction

4.

          My hopeless screams consumed me, along with the pain of the unavoidable truth. Even as the cops, firefighters, ambulances came...there was no coming back for that. I couldn't think straight and I forgot how to breathe. They came up to me asking me a thousand questions, but the words got jumbled in my head. Trying to put it all together was like trying to find a word in alphabet soup. I couldn't see through my tears and my body was shaking uncontrollably to the point I became dizzy then everything became darker.
        
         I was released from the hospital that next day. I wouldn't make eye contact with anyone, if I did I feel I'd lose it more than I already am. I spent the next few days in my room speaking to no one.  My mom would bring up meals that piled on top of each other. She was concerned and at night I could here her crying with me through the walls.
"Sweetie?" She cracked my door open slowly, "Are you ready?"
I wiped my eyes and looked up from my black heels, standing to face her, "Yea, lets go."
         The black dress I was wearing wasn't as uncomfortable as my emotions, but if it were up to me I wouldn't be wearing a tight, knee length, long sleeve dress with heels that are going kill my ankles.
         I grabbed the eulogy I wrote when his parents asked my mother if I could. I haven't been able to see or talk to anyone, but hopefully today I can. At least, that's all one could look forward to at her boyfriends funeral. 

         It had been raining off and on, but when my mom and I pulled up everyone made their way around a casket above the ground. If I had any tears left that would've been their cue.
         My mom and I walked up, me watching my feet as a walked. People spoke with my mom and they'd give me a pity look then hug me. I gave a hug to his mother and father, but that was the extent of it. When it was time for me to speak part of me felt like a corpse and the other depressed. I made my way to the front of the crowd, a few people sitting in chair, majority standing. That's when I realized how many people cared about him. His parents had to say only family and close friends, but there were still over sixty people standing in front of me. I saw Ethan, Ryan, Renee, a guy named Simon Jackson's known since kindergarten, John Kannon, Evan Mattews, Kyle Stanton, Darcie and Dan Simpson an old coupe who own a coffee shop we visited frequently, Coach Sanders, and many others that weren't related, but cared for him greatly. 
         I tried my hardest to not look at them, "Hi, um most of you know me. I'm Mariana, Jackson's girlfriend." My voice cracked and I hated how helpless I sounded so I forced a smile,"I had always hoped he'd be the one eulogizing me at a proper age, not eighteen..." I realized how much that failed, "Jackson was...well..." I looked down at the words I had wrote when I realized how much crap this was.
         Everyone wanted to avoid the fact that Jackson was murdered, mainly because there was no proof it wasn't an accident. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I hated everything that has happened in memory of him. This funeral, the calls and gift baskets, the crap people sat in front of his locker my mom told me about. I just can't do it anymore, but for the sake of his parents, I'll try and make the bullshit I wrote sound genuine. "He was honest, intelligent, and kind as most of you already know. He cared so strongly for all of you and many more. He was my last hope for a good guy," I looked down and bit my lip, "Even in his last moments he was still a hero, but in this case it didn't end like the movies." I looked back up and I wanted to float away in that moment, I did not want to be standing here any longer,"He deserved so much more, but it's all I could come up with."
I paused before placing my hand on the casket for a second and whispered, "I saw you."
        I walked back to the car before anyone could stop me, but Renee and Ethan showed up between me and my escape. "I know you don't want to talk, but you need to listen to me."
        Renee's voice sounded panicky, but I didn't have enough energy to care right now. "Can we talk later?" I said monotone, pushing past them.
"Come to the lake house tomorrow. Trust me you are going to want to." Renee begged grabbling my arm. 
      "I know it's hard to understand, but I'm not really in the partying mode." I was being rude and sarcastic, but I didn't want to hear anything she had to say as I opened the door.
      "Do you want answers or not?" She intrigued me, closing the car door, "Meet us tomorrow night."
Then they turned and left me standing with more questions then I had before.