Reflection Letters

*Second Letter*

April 22nd

Dear Dad,

Today is your birthday, how special it is celebrating it the same day as the day dedicated to our planet.

I woke up today feeling proud of myself as your birthday was the first thing on my mind that morning. But later that renewed pride grew faint when I realized I hadn't gotten you anything.

No gift. No present.

Not even a cheesy homemade card, the kind that are mandatory school assignments.

Nothing.

And so, my self hatred had returned because how could I have not gotten you something. But that seemed like nothing compared to what had happened later.

You had woken up, all excited and ready to start the day right. Even though I was in my room at the time (getting ready for school, running late as always) I could visualize perfectly that smile on your face, when you spoke "Good Morning" out loud for all to hear.

I could tell it was a more direct phrase for my mom; however, the outspokenness of it led me to believe it was intended for me to hear too. And that just made me feel worse.

My mother had responded in a rude way and your smile had immediately vanished. You knew what happened when she had one of her days like this, so I'm assuming you prepared for the worse.

My mother's "liquid had crossed", we call it, meaning she would be unbearable. She had called her sudden change in mood revenge for when it was her birthday and you never wished her a happy one. I suppose she was right, since you didn't speak to her the entire day that day, her day. But, nonetheless, she shouldn't have ruined the start of your day like that.

You just brushed it off and didn't speak to her, thinking it was just going to be another endless time period of my irritable mother.

However, there was something that had caused that switch in gear. It was me.

Me.

I had angered my mom the night before, while you were asleep. How or why, you may ask? Well, the how and why seems blurry now. All I knew when I fell asleep that night, was that your birthday would be ruined.

I felt so bad. You would never know that I was the reason for that, but I still felt horrible. I couldn't believe that I could do as awful as ruin a person's day and for that, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that your morning did not go as expected. Luckily, I had school to go to, so I was able to hide myself from the guilt, just a little bit.

But I did not write this letter to tell of my pathetic self. That was never my intention so I hope you forgive me if I end up doing what I do best.

I started writing this for two reasons:

First, I felt as if I had to. I couldn't exactly miss writing to a parent or family member.

Second, I just wanted to write to you to be able to really communicate with you.

I know you'll never see this, I won't let you. And although we talk sometimes, we don't actually have in depth conversations.

I've always wanted to have one of those conversations with you whilst taking a nice drive or walk through that park you like jogging through. But I've secretly been afraid to. If you haven't noticed, I'm slightly afraid of you.

Your opinions are so headstrong and I'd hate to share something that makes me feel weak compared to you, in fear that you will call me weak, which you do sometimes.

You call me these names. I know they are just silly and for fun to play around with me, but my mind tends to believe otherwise. They make me feel weak.

I'm not saying you are a bully or anything of the sort, because you aren't. You are my dad. Someone I look up to a lot for several things. But not someone I confide in sharing certain things with.

The way you look at the world is a little scary. I call you pessimistic but you call yourself realistic. This negativity you share has become my reality as well. And perhaps you are right. I've learned that the world can suck in more ways than one, but I just wish you could learn to see the positive side of life a little more and maybe talk to me more about that. I'm sure those conversations would be the best we'll ever have.

Well, I think that's about all for now. I don't exactly have much else to say at the moment. But, as I am trying to be a better, more stronger daughter, I'll leave you with this.

I love you and your messed up views on people and the world. Because although harsh, they have given me a different and new perspective to try looking at. I don't exactly know if this is a good thing or bad thing, but it's something.

I'm sorry again and I'll try to be more strong for you.

Sincerely,
Cyan

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