Edge of the Ravine

23

Chapter Twenty-Three

Boston, Massachusetts. I never thought I would find myself wandering such a populated place. Much less did I expect to find myself in a real city. Where you couldn't walk two feet without having a handful of people in a five foot radius all around. It was immediately overwhelming.

As soon as I left the train station, I found my way to the nearest hotel. It was a dump, truth be told. Even as sheltered as I was, it was easily apparent. Yet, it was the cheapest thing around and I needed a hot shower and a real bed. Nothing else could matter in that moment.

That moment became three months. My money was running low and the part-time waitressing job I'd found wasn't doing much to make ends meet. If I was lucky, I had enough to scrape by for another month and a half. That was a pretty big if.

When I'd first come to Boston, everything hadn't seemed so hard. Getting away from Amelia and the valley and being surrounded by so many people was enough for me. But when the realities of my situation started to set in, it felt as if every cent I spent would bring on a panic attack and every evening my eyes wouldn't dare close for fear of what lurked in the shadows. It was a trying time for me. Being a complete novice to the real world was the most terrifying experience in my young life.

When I'd gotten my job at the diner I frequented for breakfast, it was the most worthwhile thing I'd done since boarding the train. Working felt right. Like the labor was something my body and mind were absolutely attuned for. It gave a hapless being a purpose and that felt good. For a while.

Nothing could release my anxiety, however. Thin as I'd been before, I found that my scrimping and saving had taken its toll on my weight and I was now leaning more towards gaunt than skinny. It didn't help that I often smoked in order to discourage hunger. What once had been an occasional cigarette about once a week with Alec had now turned into a cigarette day in order to make it through the day without wasting money on lunch. After all, one pack of cheap cigarettes would cost me little over three dollars and last me all week. Food was the more expensive of the two and therefore easier to pass up.

My stomach growled again as I opened the window of the room I was renting. Technically, smoking was prohibited in the house where I resided. They had yet to catch me, however, and so I'd never seen a reason to quit.

So it was that I was often sitting on my bed beside the wide open window, a cigarette held between two fingers before finding its way to my lips. With the nicotine chemicals filling up my lungs, it was perhaps the calmest moment I would get all day. Often I mused that the only reason I didn't smoke more than a cigarette a day was because I didn't have time for it. Once I hit the floor at my job, I never stopped. The other waitresses had taken to calling me bunny over it, naming me after the stupid pink rabbit in the nervier commercials.

Honestly, before I left Amelia's, I'd never thought of myself as an anxious person. Though, looking back on it, I certainly was the worrier. Between Amelia, school, and my chores, I'd stressed more than I should have. With Alec, I hadn't seemed to stress enough. He had been my nicotine fix back then. A much healthier fix than the drug that seeped into my body with each inhale. And yet, it was he who broke me. Maybe he wasn't as healthy at all.

Grounding my cigarette against the window ledge outside, I took a moment to look down on the busy city street. I'd been lucky to find this room, I know. With its decent neighborhood compared to the apartments in the slums and the lingering scent of greenery barely overpowering the smell of trash. Yet, no matter how many times I looked out appreciatively at my new surroundings, I still couldn't shake the disappointment. What encompassed my vision now held none of the beauty and the raw power of the ravine.

And just like Alec, the ravine was a reminder of all the beauty and strength I'd had at my fingertips... and was now lost to me like cool summer breeze.

I closed the window.