Unsent Letters.

death note.

It's really difficult to write this,
because I am incredibly weak.
It hurts to write and it hurts to breathe.
It hurts to eat and it hurts to feel.
It hurts to be human.
I want to leave.

I want to divide this letter into sections of people and I know that I'm selfish enough to make someone feel good or bad about my death. I really shouldn't be doing this but I will anyway.

Mum, you're the first person in this letter. You were the one who kept my head above the water when I felt like I was drowning. You pushed me further and further into life, but unfortunately I'm not as strong as you are. I love you so much that it hurts because you had so much faith in me and I have let you down. You weren't always the perfect mum. You didn't always say the right things and you didn't always do the right things but you were the best mum to me and nothing else can compare to that. I loved hugging you because nowhere else felt more safe than being in your warm embrace. My head isn't screwed on straight so excuse my writing. Even though I had my imperfections, through all of those flaws, you stood by me through thick and thin. Never ever, ever, ever blame yourself, because this was a battle with myself and unfortunately I didn't come out as victorious.

Daddy.. this is one of the hardest goodbyes I've ever had to make and you probably wont want to accept it but I want you to know that I love you. So. Much. So so so so much. I love you. You were the best dad. When someone asked me what my dying wish was, I said, 'I wish both me and my dad were 16, so we could grow old and die together.' You've taught me so much and I'm sorry I can't continue. I wish the best for you because you deserve the best. I love you so much. Thank you for everything. I know that I never usually said 'I love you' to you as often as I am in this letter right now and I regret that so much because now I'll die with so many unsaid words leaving my mouth. At least you'll receive them through this letter. Thank you for bringing joy to my life even when it meant that you had to sacrifice your own. Please don't blame yourself, it's the chemicals in my brain that aren't making sense. The puzzle pieces aren't adding up. I can't seem to form coherent sentences without choking on my own death wish.

My two brothers whom I love and adore dearly. This letter gets harder and harder to write. I'm so so sorry. This will definitely damage you psychologically but I know you two will get through this. You'll get through this because the both of you are strong and brave and kind and definitely know how to survive this world more than me. I'm sorry I won't be able to see you two graduate, or get your college degrees, or comfort you during your first heartbreaks, capture moments at your weddings, see your first born child or grow old together. Please don't blame yourselves. Although we fight a lot, I will always remember the good memories like running around at the park or cheering on each other at each other's games. You two are my gems and my trophies and you two are my most prized possessions. I think you both were the only ones who knew I was sad. You two were the only ones who knew that my smile wasn't really mine but you were patient and encouraging. I'm sorry it got this far. I never meant for it to end this way, I swear. But I am incredibly sad and I'm starting to realize that maybe this isn't the world for me.

To my bestest friend, Lily. You were the only one who stood by me through friendships. Until now, you let go. I guess when you let go, I let go. But don't blame me letting go because of you, because this is my cease fire to the demons in my head. I love you so much, it hurts. We have the best times together, laughing till I pulled a muscle in my stomach and my cheeks hurt because my smile was to big for my face. You were always there for me. You would always care for me, you would always answer your phone up until a few weeks ago when you minimize contact, and eventually cut of all contact. All I needed was to hear your reassurance on the other line, telling me everything would be alright but I guess that everything happens for a reason and maybe that reason being that I wasn't a good enough friend to you. I'm sorry. I feel like I've burdened you with my problems and maybe thats why you left. That's okay. I'll be okay on the other side.

Ashton, the boy who has brought light to my life and put a spring in my step. Ever since I met you, my life went from grey to all the colors of the rainbow in pastel, florescent, matte, shiny.. You've brought color into my life and much much more. You make dying so incredibly difficult.  You are the beat of my heart, the soul in my body; you are me, because without you I am nothing. I love you, so much. I don't want to hurt you or anybody so please forget about me. Just try. Find yourself a better lover. This is what I want so don't be sad. I am going to put myself to sleep now for a bit longer than usual. Call it eternity. But you know, the thing is; you never can tell, though, with suicide notes. In the planetary aggregate of all life, there are many more suicide notes than there are suicides. They're like poems in that respect, suicide notes; nearly everyone tries their hand at them some time, with or without the talent. We all write them in our heads. Usually the note is the thing. You complete it, and then resume your time travel. It is the note and not the life that is cancelled out. Or the other way round. Or death. You never can tell, though, can you, with suicide notes. But try to understand that this isn't a goodbye note. It's a see you later note.

I'm sorry. To everyone who believed in me, I apologize profusely. You don't deserve seeing me in turmoil. You don't deserve to be affected by my negativity. It hurt me even more, knowing what I put you through. The way you looked at me—afraid, helpless, hopeless. The way I stared back into your eyes, defeated. Don't be angry because this was nothing personal. Know that I'm gone because I chose to do so. For once, I finished something I started. For once I was brave enough to go through with something risky and dangerous. Don't be disappointed. I didn't give up, no, on the contrary all I ever wanted was a reason to persevere. All I ever wanted was to really live, but I didn't know how. Who said death had to be this morbid. If you're crying, please stop. What if my death is a glorious celebration? Could you celebrate it for me? Could all of you dance, and sing my favorite songs around my soulless body?

Again, please don't cry. Don't mourn. Don't grieve. I am happy now. Happy. Truly happy. Believe this.

I love you all with every single beat of my heart.

xx