Unsent Letters.

it's okay to not be okay.

I'm 16 now, and the scars that once graced my arms and inner wrists are beginning to fade more with every passing year. But before, they weren't so subtle. Before, I used to wear long sleeves and thick bracelets to cover the swollen red marks. Before, I was ashamed. Because I used to self-harm.

I don't need to justify myself here and explain why I did it, because there are so many different answers and so many different traumas that pushed me to the extent of hurting myself. Sometimes we feel so much anger and pain, we exert it onto others, including ourselves.

I was a shy middle schooler. I had friends and was hyper at times, just like every other hormonal child in the early stages of puberty. But when I came to school and people saw cuts on my arms, most all of them called me the same thing: attention-seeker. And what's ironic is that I never wanted anyone to know. In fact, I wanted help. I wanted someone to tell me it was okay, and that I wasn't alone. Self-harm still carries a negative connotation, and I continue to this day to feel embarrassed when people ask me why I have diagonal scars all over my right arm.

For those who called me names, and shamed me for being vulnerable, despite your complete lack of knowledge on what I was dealing with at home and in my own head: I forgive you. I forgave you a long time ago. You were just as young, stupid, and human as I was. And, of course, the names you called me hurt, but they also changed me. One day, I stared at the gleam of a silver kitchen knife, and it no longer appealed to me. I no longer craved that release that comes with hurting oneself. I lost that craving. Instead, I craved something else; I wanted to be and to do better, not just for myself, but for others too. I realized that no matter how lonely I felt, I wasn't alone, and other people needed me just as badly as I needed them. And now I'm on track.

For anyone who still struggles with self-harm, I'll tell you this: It actually does get better. Life goes on. You've already proven that you are so empathetic; that instead of exerting your pain onto others, you chose to do so onto yourself. Imagine all the things you could do by taking that energy and creating something brilliant.